Beyond the Blue Horizon

The Plunge.

2011-10-04T07:35:00.000-07:00

I'm taking the plunge, folks! It's been over 7 yrs since I started this blog and I've been feeling the need for change. I've had ideas about starting a new one for awhile now, and I have. Over at Wordpress. Sorry, Blogger...

From now on, visit me here: andreachilds.wordpress.com.

(I'll admit, it's a little sad to say goodbye to this one...it's been a long time! But ok, it's just a blog. See you on the other side!)

praying...when life is hard or confusing, and such

2011-09-30T05:59:00.000-07:00

I appreciated reading Sarah's thoughts here about prayer this morning...

what i notice

2011-09-28T18:03:00.000-07:00

On these oh-so-rainy fall days, this is what I notice and smile about...

the look in the eyes of a six-month-old learning to eat solid food.

and the relief found in the bottle when he's tired of that strange new stuff :)

a dinosaur raincoat

savored chocolate chips, melting in the hands of a 2 1/2 yr old who's potty training.

a six-year-old who does care about the puppy he (usually) hates because now she's sick.

clean sheets on a bed.

sharing secret whispers with a toddler.

the tickle monster.

pesto made with my garden basil--delightful.

excitement shared with others about trips and travel.

puppy cuddling.

fall knitting.

boots for splashing in puddles.

an eleven-year-old who thinks she's sixteen.

browsing through Food & Wine in the late afternoons at work.

the feel of deep-down cares and concerns not lost or forgotten...but...dormant?

conversations with mom about who I am (and who I'm becoming).

vanilla chamomile tea after work.

candles burning.

small (and big) things my heart thanks God for; so much taken for granted.

and--last but not least--rain down the gutter when i'm falling asleep...

A Bucket List--of sorts

2011-09-23T13:27:00.000-07:00

This isn't exhaustive, nor is it in any particular order. You might think some of them are strange. I'm ok with that :)

1. Take a photography class

2. Develop pictures in a dark room

3. Publish a piece of writing

4. Take a dance class

5. Participate in a bike race

6. Backpack a portion of the AT

7. Adopt

8. Really grow a garden (no more container garden crap)

9. Visit Isle Royale again

10. Tour a vineyard

11. Canoe the boundary waters

12. Learn wood stripping/refinishing

13. Work/volunteer (more) with refugees

14. Visit a refugee camp

15. Involve myself in advocacy (someway/how)

16. Take another pottery class

17. Spend several days in a monastery

18. Draw/paint something to be proud of :)

19. Make what I can

20 Always: get out more

21. Go to Finland

22. Lead (co-lead) a church small group or Sunday school class

23. Travel/backpack around South America

24. Buy a fixer upper (and all the how-to's for fixing it up!)

25. Teach

26. Keep myself teachable

27. Volunteer with relief/disaster response

28. Have a family

29. Teach my kids to love the outdoors and to adventure

30. Travel up the coast of Maine

31. Visit Pearl Harbor

32. Give of myself for others every day

33. Never forget the needy

34. Never grow indifferent to those with "more than they need"

35. Never presume I don't need

36. Learn to live simply (but deeply)

37. Read to people who can't

38. Go on a hot air balloon ride

39. Visit Africa again

40. Never forget God is a God of presence

41. See Peter Mulvey and Jeffrey Foucault perform together in concert

42. Keep gratitude and humility close

43. Keep doing things that scare me

44. Learn to white water kayak

45. Live close to the earth (without that being weird, haha)

46. Read at least three new novels a year.

2011-09-23T05:49:00.000-07:00

"Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and he will give you everything you need."

-Luke 12:31

Linking

2011-09-20T08:41:00.000-07:00

I appreciated this short post about love and marriage this morning...

Sweaters and Smartwool Socks

2011-09-19T17:27:00.000-07:00

Yep, it's that time of year. Time for sweaters and Smartwool socks. Today I stopped in at REI before picking C up from school. This has been a bad habit started this year because I have to get there a littler earlier for parking. Arg. Well, it's fun but I'm almost always tempted to think I need things I don't. Truth is, I went in today for something I did need: a new pair of Smartwool socks. Mine from last year have holes worn in them from excessive wearing [yes, I do live in Chicago where it is winter 6 months of the year]. Needless to say, I have a few that needed retiring. SO, I went in and to my very pleasant surprise they had some on SALE. And, they also had a host of winter hats on clearance (don't know why...we're only barely beginning to move into those impending 6 months). So I got a super cute Southwestern-y looking beanie for $5.50. Steal of a deal. It will be just perfect for our Grand Canyon trek over Thanksgiving. Oh yes, did I tell you?? Mom, Dad, Luke, Jake and I will be spending three nights in the GC (Havasupai Falls area, to be exact) in November. Wahoo. I can hardly wait. It's going to be just so beautiful.

So here I am--toasty toes--sippin' on Honey Ginsing tea fighting the sniffles and sneezes, thankful for a night in. I have some things to do...a few projects, some writing, some organizing. I just got through listening to this Piper sermon and want to pass it along. It was "right-on" as far as things I needed to hear and be reminded of. Hope you're able to log away 4o min or so to listen to it sometime. Please do.

kind of fantastic

2011-09-16T18:34:00.000-07:00

Luke and I have been on an Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros kick as of late. Found this tonight...

Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros "Home" from Edward Sharpe on Vimeo.

Someday!

2011-09-15T06:58:00.000-07:00

Someday I hope to have a garden that produces like this one--Mom and Dad's! They've put in a lot of work and have quite the harvest to show for it. Isn't it beautiful?! Seriously. I love it. This sort of thing gets me antsy for life somewhere outside of city where there's even just a small plot of dirt to grow...

I panic, sometimes

2011-09-13T07:11:00.000-07:00

I usually get to this time of year--the turning of summer into fall--with a bit of panic alongside. I live in the city but so much of fall happens "out there." Will I miss it? This usually depends on what kinds of trips I can plan for out-of-city adventuring while fall sets in. I don't have any planned this year. Hence, the panic. I don't want to miss it. I don't want to miss the leaves aflame and the smell of the earth turning over--air that's ripe with the smell of living things leaving for awhile.

This morning I'm thinking that I need to make sure I find places to go out of the city when fall is at it's most beautiful. Apple orchards and pumpkin patches. Fields and forests turning all my favorite shades of yellow, orange, red, and brown. The thing about fall is, it's usually gone before we know it. That's part of it's beauty. It never sticks around long enough for us to get sick of it (although who could, even if it did) like the long, dark, wet days of city winter do. They tend to stick around long past their welcome. [side note: it has come to my attention, however, that my aversion to winter is really an aversion to "city winter," which is another breed of animal altogether. i can understand that it is different than winter "out there" where there's snow to play in and woods to explore; porches for sitting and all those winter sports that still seem extremely foreign. i'm determined to snow shoe this winter...]

2011-09-11T04:56:00.001-07:00

"It's only prides hunger for perfection that paralyzes a heart, keeps us enslaved to fear."

-Ann Voskamp

Piloting

2011-09-07T05:43:00.000-07:00

The word has to do with the navigational handling of a ship--"near land using buoys, soundings, landmarks, etc..."

Luke has me listening to Josh Garrels again. I don't like all his stuff but I've been enjoying his new album this week. Pilot Me, each time it comes on, strikes a chord in me for sure: "I will arise and follow you over/Savior please, pilot me..."

I'm reading my way through Ecclesiastes. Last night before bed I was thinking about the purpose/function/gift of relationship and community. I had read 4:9-12,

"Two people are better than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone? A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided chord is not easily broken."

So I got thinking about relationship for all these things: companionship and service, growth and transformation, health and well-being, protection and safety, warmth and closeness...

I'm more and more convinced that relationship is a remarkable (might I even say, miraculous) gift.

Not to say there aren't some hideous and twisted expressions of relationship (of all kinds) out there, but that those aren't the healthy, right or true. They are perversions of the healthy, right, and true. Some look there and say, "No way, I don't want to risk that happening." And I'm that person sometimes. But its wrong, you see. And to skip out of such a remarkable and wholesome experience in life would be to...miss out in profound ways on the gift God's given. Relationship. Community.

I guess we say, "I will arise and follow you over/Savior please, pilot me..." And we keep at it...we keep building our relationships; investing, loving, serving, praying...because two and three are stronger than one...

living days in faith, with hope

2011-08-31T13:30:00.001-07:00

"Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don't be afraid." -Frederick Buechner

up here [in northern michigan]

2011-08-28T06:21:00.001-07:00

Up here, there are already pockets of color. A tree here and there splashing the endless green landscape with bright bits of red and orange and yellow. Autumn promises to come. I love Autumn.

Up here the sky meets the water in one huge canopy of blue.

Up here the air is fresh and unspoiled by oh so many cars, buses, and buildings.

I am glad to be up here...glad to be with family...glad to have "pillow talk" with Luker late into the night...anxious for everyone else to get in--Mom and Dad this afternoon, Jay, Kristen, and kiddos tomorrow evening. It's been a long time since we've all had a good chunk of time together. This is just lovely :)

been thinkin' on this

2011-08-23T20:32:00.001-07:00

"You never know how much you really believe anything until its truth or falsehood becomes a matter of life and death to you. It is easy to say you believe a rope is strong and sound as long as you are merely using it to cord a box. But suppose you had to hang by that rope over a precipice. Wouldn't you then first discover how much you really trusted it?...Only a real risk tests the reality of a belief." -C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

Sandra McCracken "In Feast Or Fallow" acoustic

2011-08-16T08:42:00.000-07:00

This is my favorite of her recent songs. I really love it. This morning--while stripping and painting my old dresser--I've been "rediscovering" old Derek webb, which has inevitably led me to some Indelible Grace and, finally, to his wife: Sandra McCracken. I'm sure I will always appreciate this couple's honest articulation of faith-life, deeply rooted in age old truths but never quiet or silent about where we find ourselves living daily, in each new era. She Must and Shall Go Free is an album I haven't listened to in a long while. It's a great album--truthful about living an understanding of Gospel that is difficult and beautiful; painful and pleasure-filled.

Anyhow, give the song a listening to. It's great :)

Back to the project!

two cuties

2011-08-10T18:10:00.000-07:00

Sam and Ailey are so ridiculously cute. Beautiful kiddos--they make my heart hurt!!! Sappy, Auntie...I know. But true. Look at these two...

I think being an Aunt is one of my favorite things. Can't wait to see how these relationships grow over the years. Sigh. Looking forward to Michigan in 2 1/2 weeks!!

done.

2011-08-09T20:05:00.000-07:00

i did it. i just enrolled for September's ESL/TESOL certification course. i'm doing it. whew.

i'm nervous.

ack!

and the possibility of getting a job with an organization like World Relief makes me really excited.

taking this step scares me a bit. but i've been saying i want to do something that scares me--something that stretches me and pushes me out of comfort zones; something i can't see to the end of but that i know is a worthwhile investment. goodness. life is so interesting these days, eh? :)

back in 2007

2011-08-06T14:09:00.000-07:00

Re-reading old journals or letters is so...interesting. I usually learn things from my younger self. Sometimes I think, "gee, Andrea, you could learn that again you know." Other times I think, "i am so glad I don't think/live like that anymore!"

I just reread my stack of "Africa emails"--the updates I sent out to supporters, etc. Ha. I've grown up a lot since then. I'm grateful for that. When I look back like that I realize, again, what a journey life is. We truly do "travel through"...

Anyhow, I wrote this at the end of one of my final emails:

"Keep seeking the face of our incredible Lord. Remember, He is a great Savior for our great need. It is ok to need Him. Sometimes we need to stop trying so hard to be people that LOOK like Jesus and just need to live like we are...people who NEED Jesus."

I am pleased to be reminded of this again, now. It's true, isn't it? It's ok to need Him. Because we do. But sometimes we strive and strive to look like Him before we are free to need Him. That seems backwards. I catch myself trying to put myself together before approaching Him--even before admitting my need. How utterly preposterous. Ridiculous. In the end, I'd prefer to remember that I can go to Him all messy and such--all needy. Because He's bigger than my big need. Hmm. I somehow "knew" that in 2007 but the Andrea of 2011 needs to hear it still. I have a great need. I have a great Savior. This has grown more nuanced for me through the years, but no less true. I need Him. I do.

And i have a feeling life will keep reminding me of this, year after year after year.

family time

2011-08-05T07:04:00.000-07:00

I'm getting SO ridiculously excited for family time up north. Mom has divided us into "cooking teams" so she doesn't get stuck in the kitchen (and so everyone has equal opportunity to spend time with the little ones). That momma--she's a thinker! So, Hannah and I are on for night one and I've been looking through some favorite blogs, etc., searching for the right recipe. I think I've found it...

Bourbon Orange Coriander Barbecue Sauce

I know I can't speak too soon BUT, Joy the Baker always comes through. Did I ever mention I made these for Lacy's birthday? They were...uh-mazing.

Are you getting jealous? Wishing you could join the Childs' (plus a few) for a WHOLE WEEK in the north country?? Who wouldn't be :)

Augusts 1st??!

2011-08-01T19:21:00.000-07:00

How is it already AUGUST?! Seriously. The summer has absolutely flown.

Whew, today was quite a day. Full of disobedient and disrespectful children. It has entirely worn me out. On days like today I think, "how did I get here? how is it that i am involved (rather intimately) in the raising of these children?--these children that are not my own." The thing is, I love these children. I do. But that doesn't mean that I don't have these hard days. I'm sure I'm just being prepared (again) for motherhood. The difference for me now is that these aren't my own. Therein lies the challenge. And therein, too, lies the mystery of my deep love for these little ones. Sigh. Nannying is a sticky situation...clearly.

The point is, I had a bad work day. It was long. It was exhausting. The small boys that I normally enjoy so much were rather rotten and, well, downright rude. I didn't want to be around them. I didn't want to be patient. I didn't want to listen to moaning, whimpering or complaining. I wanted to go home. And cry. Because sometimes the buildup gets heavy and the final "all you ever are is mean!" or "can you leave now?" just get to me--it kinda hurts. I want to yell right back, "are you kidding?! Me?! MEAN?! to YOU? Do you know how patient I am?! Do you know how hard I try?! Do you know the ways I serve you??!" Hmm. I'm sure there is a lesson here, I'm just too tired to 1. really notice it 2. articulate it.

In other news, I'm reading A Grief Observed. I just reread A Great Divorce and found it, again, to challenge and inspire some of my my ideas of lasting things--namely, the High Country. Needless to say, I'm enjoying Lewis. What's your summer reading?

Also, I want to acquire new skills. This might sounds cheesy or strange but it shouldn't. In the vein of the pottery class I took last fall, I want to do something like it again. I don't know what, yet, but I'm thinking. I sort of want it to be a hobby. Haha. Ok, this is sounding kind of weird and pathetic. I'll share more once these ideas are developed...

oh yeah! I was going to say, I've been groovesharking Fernando Ortega for weeks now. I really like him. Tonight i heard Light of Heaven and copied the chorus into my journal because, well, it just seems a good prayer for praying...

Light of Heaven

Lord of Mercy

Shine the goodness

of your love upon this day

Till we see you

Till we know you

Till the sorrow and the darkness

fade away

Fade away

summer is for weekending

2011-07-31T17:44:00.000-07:00

Wisconsin this weekend was full of summery things...

lakeside walking with little ones

playground fun

the sun setting behind a barn

night talking around the dinner table

smoothies on the porch

reading in bed

sleeping in

laughing

time spent with good friends

sun, beach, and water

wine tasting

farm-exploring

a field full of fireflies

Back in the big city, now. Back to work tomorrow. Everything so busy and fast....but i don't want to forget what I think and feel and pray out where the sky is bigger--wider--and the fields so green. Why does my whole soul seem to enlarge when I am out where there is space? It always catches me off guard how much "clearer" some things seem to become when I go where life is a little less busy; and where nature is closer than trees here and there--small patches of grass amidst all the asphalt...things seem to sink in out there. I'm always brought back here, where i have to practice the clarity; where i live out the things learned. Hmm. Interesting thing, this pattern i've discovered this year, of getting out and then coming back.

My only regret of the weekend: no bike ride. I so wanted those open roads. But it was beastly hot and time was short.

Lately i've been craving the water--to be out on the water. In a canoe. Summer isn't summer without time in a canoe. I suppose I can get my fix up North in August. Mmm. SO LOOKING FORWARD :)

"Ninja's don't wait till you're ready..."

2011-07-25T19:17:00.000-07:00

Today at swim, I was sitting on the couch in the lobby because C wanted to wait and "rest" a bit while S swam. Next thing I knew, he was flying through the air and on top of me--knee in the stomach, elbow in the nose. After a gasp and a laugh and an effort to explain that next time I'd appreciate a warning, he said,"Ninja's don't wait till you're ready!"

Touche.

my summer theme song ;)

2011-07-21T09:41:00.000-07:00

For real, yo!

this family of mine

2011-07-20T07:05:00.000-07:00

We're all so excited for the "reunion" at Grandma's this August. I can tell already it's going to be such good time of fun and togetherness....and a whole lot of laughter. This family laughs a lot when it gets together :)

We've been mass emailing plans back and forth. Luke posted this in an email a few days ago. It about says it all for us, I think!

"Up North is a lone set of cross-country ski tracks across a wilderness lake and the wood smoke rising from a cabin chimney. It's bunchberries in July and wild rice in September. Each of us has an Up North. It's a time and place far from the here and now. It's a map on the wall, a dream in the making, a tugging at ones soul. For those who feel the tug, who make the dream happen, who put the map in the packsack and go, the world is never quite the same again. We have been Up North and part of us always will be." -Sam Cook

living in new directions

2011-07-14T06:45:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking on choice a bit lately. There's a tension, it seems, between choice/freedom/responsibility...these (words) ideas we use when we talk about our ways of living--our behavior. Belief lies at the heart of behavior.

What do I believe about this world--it's people, patterns, and personality? What do I believe about myself--body, soul, and spirit? What do I believe about God--his person, character, and interaction with all things around?

The answers are found in the way I live. Belief lives and grows in our deepest places, where no one else can see. From there it wells up and comes out in the way we think and choose, and act.

I've learned some things this semester about the thought-life as the "breeding grounds" (so to speak) of belief. What a gift it is that we are thinking beings--intentional, no doubt about it. We've been created with such capacity to ask and wonder, think and learn. We are always thinking and reasoning and living our lives on those conclusions.

I read Romans 12:2 at some point and felt the inspiration behind Paul's charge, "Don't copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God's will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect."

It's big-deal stuff he's talking. I can tell because I've lived it. I am living it. The transformation of thought is so key to developing healthy patterns of living. Belief to change behavior--to achieve growth and foster maturity. Not the other way around. Not just a modification of behavior. We don't change like that. We just don't. I know this of myself.

I read this just a few minutes ago from Ann Voskamp, "It's only prides hunger for perfection that paralyzes a heart, keeps us enslaved to fear."

We all have perfectionist tendencies--some more than others. I certainly do, and I've had to do hard battle with them at times. They won't ever go away altogether but there's value in digging down to determine what's under it all. Why do I feel like I need to be_____ or act_____ or achieve______.

Fear isn't freedom. And this I've learned in some really hard ways this year. I have a feeling I'll be learning it all life long.

Because God is about setting us free from things--free from the world--toward a better life. And we keep getting tangled up with things here. "Don't copy this world...have God change the way you think...know God's good will for you..." Promises we bank on for life, right?

His patience is what gets me. Probably because I lose patience with myself so easily. But He is consistently and constantly present in the ongoing work of learning to be free and untangled. I hope this never ceases to amaze me...and fill my heart with gratitude.

priceless moments

2011-07-12T16:03:00.000-07:00

The kids' mama has been in the ER all day for appendicitis. She's still there waiting for an opening for surgery. It's something a little scary for a kid, I think, to know mom is in the hospital and needs surgery but to not be sure quite what that means. She called them in the afternoon and the first question out of their mouths was "can we watch a movie?!" Normally they're not allowed to watch TV when I'm there, unless it's a special occasion. Probably out of sheer exhaustion, the answer was yes...which meant they both wanted to watch a (different) movie.

C picked his favorite: The Giants of Brazil (which recaps one of the World Cup games--really old). S picked The Last Song, that Miley Cyrus teenage drama with terrible acting but, nevertheless, every important component of a teenage drama: summer love born out of a few cheesy pick up lines, jealous ex-girlfriend that spreads rumors, a heart wrenching break-up, and...duh...the heart wrenching reunion at the end of the movie. True love, apparently. I was in and out of the living room doing laundry, etc., but eventually sat down to finish the movie with S. Eew, eeeeew. It was such a terrible movie. Painful to watch, really. I hope my daughter never wants to watch that kind of stuff. She probably will. I hope she also wants to watch The Giants of Brazil. Seriously. High school love chick flicks make me gag.

But then, inevitably, by the last scene of the movie we're on the edge of our seats waiting for the reunion that is about to happen on that beautiful beach with the sun setting behind. Okay, I wasn't actually on the edge of my seat. But S was and those sappy cheesy stories get girls' emotions all a tangle. That's part of why I hate them.

By this point C had finished watching his educational film (bless his heart) and was sitting on my lap. I love when he wants to sit on my lap--so cute. There we were, all cute like, sitting together watching this overly emotionally charged last scene of the movie where she runs to him and he catches her up and they kiss and everything is better again (resolution comes quick and easy to little high schoolers, apparently).

I could almost feel S catch her breath right at that moment and at the exact same time I heard C say under his breath: "Why can't I make this into a torpedo; I used to be able to make it into a torpedo!" And I looked down to find C folding and rolling the band-aid he had put on earlier after Millie bit him. I laughed and he looked up at me, "What?" Nothing, I thought, you are just amazing...and I am so glad you were making a torpedo out of a band-aid while Miley Cyrus was kissing Mr. too-tan-and-too-blonde-for-comfort out there on that beach. It was a priceless moment.

so great...

2011-07-08T17:19:00.000-07:00

The Civil Wars - Forget Me Not

summer lovin' with the little ones

2011-07-06T20:07:00.000-07:00

a few favorites...

1. Hot days made cooler by ice cream--sticky fingers and thick, smeared mustaches.

2. Damp, sandy beach towels.

3. Looking in the rearview mirror to see a six-year-old sound asleep minutes after leaving swim class.

4. Throwing pennies in public fountains.

5. A cookie date at a coffee shop with a two-year-old who is finding her words.

6. Walking the neighborhood until the wee one falls asleep.

7. "Penalty kick shoot-outs" in the basement and conversations that go like this:

C: "Andrea, you're a pretty good keeper for someone like you."

Me: "Hey! What's that supposed to mean?"

C: "For someone who isn't very good at soccer. We're like opposites. You are a good keeper, I am a good player."

Me: Uuuuhh...

8. A ten-year-old eager to tell me about her day.

9. Tucking in and "counting sheep" with a bored boy who won't sleep even though he's laying on the coolest (ever) spiderman sheets.

10. Loving a beautiful girl who is almost eleven and weighs herself 3 different times in the locker room. Frustrated that I'm tongue-tied and want to tell her things that will turn her mind from where it's at.

11. Dinner together at Potbelly's while mom and dad are out. Laughing so hard chips spew (chewed up ones; in my face) and sprite dribbles down the sides of his mouth. And her lips are stained brown from the chocolate brownie cookie we are supposed to be "splitting."

12. Laughing till it doesn't make sense because we're all probably over-tired and high on the sun.

13. Learning as I watch them that this is where life is real: these moments that sometimes feel mundane and routine but that are gifted moments and I wouldn't trade them for anything.

Tonight I felt so grateful to be sharing these years with these little ones. It has been hard and beautiful and quite a journey. They have taught me so much. Loving them has turned to an ache. Uh oh, good gracious. They've gotten to me.

And I'll need to be reminded, again, when things are tough and I'm on the floor cleaning up puppy diarrhea or acting as referee (for the umpteenth time) that this is where it's at. That "relationships grow only in a hot house of humility, selflessness, open-handedness" and I will have to give of myself again...and again...and again. He taught us self-giving. That's how we live best, but it isn't always easiest. No wonder we find ourselves praying for strength and courage to put our best foot forward. And for baby steps :)

A different kind of 4th

2011-07-04T18:58:00.000-07:00

Of all holidays, I think I have the most unique and varied memories of the 4th of July--top two being the one before I started high school and the one spent in Swaziland. That summer spent (in the U.P.) at the lake house before high school was simply wonderful. I don't know if anything will beat watching the fireworks burst overhead from our seat in the row boat (pieces of cardboard and what-not landing in the water around us). And then I'll never forget homemade pizza, watching Jim and Matt and others set off small firecrackers and sparklers from the balcony of that Mbabane base, while being led in our national anthem by Nini (a native Swazi). I think she had more pride in celebrating the holiday with us than any of us American's had in being American. It was kind of cute.

This year, I got to spend the weekend with my Grandma and my uncle Matt. I was so grateful because I don't necessarily get to see them all that often. It's a gift to be with people who are at different stages of life and who are family and who love you. Sometimes I get caught in my stage of life. It's so helpful to listen to people who are in the middle of their lives or to those nearing the end. And I don't mean this at all in a morbid sense. There's a certain beauty about those who have soaked up so much of life's wisdom because they've been around long enough. I felt it with Grandma--yes, you Grandma!--this weekend. I want to listen to things she says because I know she knows what she's talking about. She's lived so much more of life than I have. For example: when she says, "what joy have we but family--relationships?" I listen up and I tuck that away because I know that she's right...and that she's had more experience with it all than I have.

I delighted to walk through the woods with Matt--up Swede Town Creek--and sit on the shore of that certain Great Lake :) soaking up "the peace of wild things" and catching up on life.

And, as usual, pictures and memories of Papa that will always have me aching and missing him but we do alright because we still have each other and we're still taking pictures and making memories.

Then there was the drive home which was good for thinking and wondering and praying and processing. There is so much space for it out there. Driving across Wisconsin today was so refreshing. The sky so BIG and clear and blue. The fields so FAR and rich and green. Spectacular.

There's been much on my mind and heart and I was able to reach a good bit of clarity this weekend, which I am thankful for. One thing i've been thinking about is the relationship between belief and freedom (faith and hope is sort of another way of terming it, i think). I was thinking about our instinctive search for truth and lasting things--which is a search for peace (freedom). I felt this on the shore of Lake Superior. I find peace there. Freedom. Why do we ache so much to find peace? Mom reminded me today that we were made for more than this life, so we feel unsettled if we think this is all there is.

I got home and got to looking through some Piper sermons. Gosh, I haven't listened to him in so so long. I watched this of his and was floored. So timely. So good to hear. So simple and so beautiful. I had to laugh a little--he's so goofy and I'd forgotten. I appreciate how utterly captivated he is by his love for the Lord. He doesn't discount the difficulty of faith but he also doesn't discount the joy of knowing Christ. He emphasizes spiritual knowledge (head) and spiritual experience (heart) and I think I'll always be indebted to him for helping me learn the necessity of these both for the maturity of faith (scholarship and relationship). I have a lot to learn. We do well to be reminded of the beauty of God and his interactive life with the world. Wait till you get to his discussion of the relationship between freedom and desire. I really appreciate what he has to say. His illustrations are helpful. SO, enough jibber jabber. I hope you watch it. It is 45 minutes well worth it. Take a little break...

Happy 4th, everyone. I hear the explosions across the city!!

sleep won't come for awhile

2011-07-01T19:22:00.001-07:00

...so i do what i always do when i can't sleep: i write.

I made it up north. It's beautiful in the U.P. in the summertime. Lupines lined the road driving up--absolutely breathtaking. Wish I had a picture of my own but google images will have to do. They are SUCH a beautiful flower. If you have never read the children's book Miss Rumphius ("The Lupine Lady"), you must. It was a childhood favorite.

The air seemed to get cleaner and clearer. The water was so bright and blue. Tomorrow and Sunday are supposed to be sunny and 70's and i can't wait for walks, runs, strolls around the neighborhood and along the shore. MmmMmm.

Coffee in the morning with Grandma (although we agreed to sleep in and THEN have coffee :)) then Uncle Matt gets in later tomorrow. A lovely, relaxed weekend away with those I love...what could be better?!

Driving up here alone isn't quite as fun as driving up with friends. I passed the time singing obnoxiously loud to country songs, car dancing until i realized i was swerving a little bit too much, admiring Wisconsin farms (more and more attached all the time), talking to myself (giving advice to self is better done out loud, I'd say), and, well, praying (also really helpful to do out loud--especially if there is any venting, pleading, wondering, or frustration involved...it just gets it out and puts it to Him and there it is, at His feet where it should be, messy and all). These were all very helpful and very therapeutic ways to pass the time today. But...I'm exhausted. I really should sleep...

it's good to be here.

oh how my garden grows

2011-06-29T14:22:00.001-07:00

Tonight Lacy and I are having a roommate dinner. Caesar salad complete with THREE kinds of my garden lettuce. Thank you, Seeds of Change, for those awesome free seed packets! I'm so excited to eat it--it's super satisfying to eat something you've watched grow. I love it. My basil is smelling awesome. And everything else is looking great, too, but nothing ready to harvest. I think I started a bit late. But it'll be fine.

Oh, and the landscapers are putting GRASS down in the backyard. Seriously?! Yessss. This summer is already awesome but just got better. Waiting for Grease and West Side Story to play free in the park. Coming soon!

I'm going north for the 4th. I probably won't see fireworks because i'll be driving back on the night of the 4th. Maybe I'll pull off and watch some in unknown small town Wisconsin. That sounds kinda nice. Happy holiday weekend, everyone!

[and since it's a holiday weekend and you just might have some extra time, i'll tack this on]

If you find yourself in a place in life similar to mine (twenty-something, curious about a career-path, uncertain about the future, learning hard, frustrating, but good lessons about what it means to support yourself or others while also stewarding well, and looking at the world out in front of you and yourself here in it wondering where you should be and what you should be doing...) you might enjoy reading this article. I don't know a lot about Jon Foreman but I like his solo stuff quite a lot, for the most part. He's one "contemporary Christian artist" whose lyrics remain poignant, thought-provoking, and truthful without losing on quality. I stumbled across this article he wrote about re-appropriating the phrase "making a living." Really, anyone would benefit from reading it. But especially, perhaps, us who are pretty fresh out of college with the future rather "dim" (and i know you are out there because I've talked with quite a lot of you recently and we're all talking similar talk :)). It's a remarkable time of life in a lot of ways because there's a lot of forced trusting. All of life requires that we trust God but certain experiences (undoubtedly) create that "need" all the more. Anyhow, enough talk. Go ahead and read the article. I'm sure at least parts of it will resonate with you. Don't get turned off by some of the Christian cliche. I know, it gets to me too, but maybe we need to let it go sometimes...

on perspective

2011-06-28T04:57:00.001-07:00

Usually I park in the parking garage when I pick the kids up from school. Yesterday there was a huge open spot right there on the street (never happens). So instead of entering the pick-up area from the north side of the building, I came at it from the south. Which meant I stood at the other end of the group of mom's. It's weird to stand in a new place once you've stood in an old one for so long. I felt awkward and out of place. From where I usually stand, I know just where all the other moms/nannys are going to be waiting for their kids; who the friends are; who the talkers are; who the one's are who don't say anything; who show up late, etc...I couldn't do all that yesterday. It was weird. And I know it's a simple example but it made me think about how sometimes our perspective needs to change--needs some "shaking up." I think sometimes maybe we stand in the same place too long; think things over too much, too often; exhaust our own understanding of something and need to be moved to see things differently.

But maybe this is just me? Maybe ya'll don't feel like sometimes you give yourself too much thinking credit; too much of the last say on things.

I've been reading Psalm 73 a lot this spring. For various reasons it addresses a lot of things I've been wrestling with, tempted by, learning, etc. And there's a line in there that goes like this, "...But when I thought how to understand this, it seemed to me a wearisome task, until I went into the sanctuary of God; then I discerned their end" (vv. 16, 17).

I'm not one to say that anytime you're trying to figure out something hard or feel like you need a change of perspective to see rightly, you should just "go into the house of God" and it will all become clear. Not exactly, anyway. I don't appreciate (in myself or in others) when God and faith are used like a magic potion/equation. Plug in the proper variables and solve for X. I know that it isn't that simple. But I think I'm also beginning to learn and remember that what IS found (pretty much immediately) when you enter the place and presence of God, is the truth of who He is. This means there is patience, compassion, and kindness there. There is faithfulness and trustworthiness. This means that there is no trickery or manipulation. This means He desires our understanding of His working in the world for the sake of relationship with Him--but on His terms, not ours, which can get us frustrated sometimes, eh? We usually think we know the best way to do things. At least that's how I am.

[Side note: last night Lace and I rode our bikes out along the lake shore. It was absolutely beautiful. That is also an example of the kind of perspective-giving moments I need. The perspective of big sky and horizon; the perspective of space to think and ask and be. What fort of perspective-giving moments do you need?]

I have another verse written on a piece of birch bark that hangs by my desk: "For God is working in you, giving you the power to do what pleases Him" (Phil 2:13). Sometimes my own perspective gets so convoluted and tangled up and I can hardly distinguish what's true. Entering into relationship with God--faith, dependence, reliance--provides me with a deep-down calm, even when I don't understand things. Even when I get frustrated because on my own I don't have the power to do what pleases Him but I want to...that place is surrender; entrusting; giving up my old place of perspective for a new, awkward, and uncomfortable place of perspective. It's grace, I tell you.

I'm finding that His place of perspective is a lot less cluttered than mine. In mine, thoughts are always racing and pushing and talking. In His, there is rest. There is even quiet. "He leads me beside quiet waters"? "He restores my soul"? My heart isn't without thoughts or questions in His place of perspective, but there is peace. There's always more to see, learn, understand, or wonder. I guess I feel like I live to know that it is enough that I don't know things but that I can entrust those "don't knows" to the trustworthy one. I count it a gift that I find Him trustworthy. I know people for whom life has stolen that gift and they live in such deep, dark doubt. Please, God, restore our gift of faith.

because i'm friends with a nine-year-old who thinks she's fat

2011-06-26T15:52:00.000-07:00

I just read Sarah's letter to her girls about the lies we women hear/believe about beauty in this mixed-up world. I appreciate her thoughts--the perspective of a mother, which is different than mine and helpful to hear, but the perspective of a woman, which I identify with right away. I guess it hits close(r) to home because I've had some of these conversations with the girl of the family I nanny for--a beautiful, fun, quirky, energetic ten (almost eleven!) year-old, who has been thinking on these things for years already. The world is in front of her, so big and so ready, and she worries about her weight, how she looks, and (because it always follows) what people think of her. I'm not a mom--I'm not her mom--but I feel like it inside sometimes. Maybe I feel more like a protective older sister...

Andrea, I've gained weight this week (the girl is an absolute twig). Andrea, I've decided I'm not going to eat sweets anymore, so I don't get fat. I need to lose weight. Andrea, I just read this book about a girl with an eating disorder. Andrea, what's it called when a girl throws up her food?

You see, I have friends who have spent years wrestling with eating (not eating) and exercise addictions. Any pain I have experienced with and as a result has been in the praying for, witnessing, and living alongside some of these friends. I've never wrestled in some of the more "severe" physical ways with the lies but, let me tell you, I've lived with them and wrestled them mind, soul, spirit, emotion. I don't want this to be a sob post about "how hard it is to be a girl" or "how difficult the lies of the culture are to withstand." I know that men battle their own set of lies. Really, lies are lies and they all target the same thing: how we view and understand our inherent dignity, issues of worth, our invested value, and our identity. It's hard and painful and downright exhausting at times.

It is what it is in the sense that the lies aren't going away anytime soon. We can get paralyzed under the "weight" of it all or buck up a bit, chill out, accept the fact that this is how things are going to be, and learn to live different than they say, even when it's hard. I once talked with a friend about a similar subject and he said something about not wanting to live the way the world expects us to live. Exactly. I think that's called living under the recognition that God is redeeming things and provides a better, richer, more fulfilling way of living with and understanding ourselves (and the world). The world will continue to bombard us. Heck, the kids are worried younger and younger, aren't they? I don't remember when I first felt the "seriousness" of these lies about body image and beauty but it was not when I was nine/ten years old. Goodness gracious, I was bruise-shinned gallivanting through the mountains of Mexico, chasing donkeys with my brother, making forts in manzanilla bushes in Southern Arizona, and building fires in tin cans to cook food for our flight from the Nazi concentration camps. A better use of my time, if you ask me. But this has a lot to do with how and where I was raised, as well as a number of other factors that are for another time and conversation. The point is, kids face the lies early and it's been sad for me to see.

I get it. I know, the world will keep telling me that I need skinnier thighs and bigger boobs if I ever want to get a guy or feel truly valued. Sometimes the lies are loud and it is a sincere struggle not to believe them. Other days, I just think (probably immature but whatever), "F--- you, world, there is more to stand for and more to live by!" And I believe it, with all my heart. I believe it for S who is not fat and does not need to lose weight and who, I pray, will not buy into all that those gossip magazines tell her is important (even though she and her friends started a gossip girls club at school). Seriously. There is so much more to live for.

I don't really know why I'm writing all this out...I think because I've learned some hard things this year about what it means to be true to the beautiful things of life instead of getting sucked into what the world says is valuable. I've battled some pretty hard lies about money and beauty and success and purpose and value...etc., etc., etc. I suppose that's part of growing up and part of messing up and trying again. And I've seen this sweet, sweet girl growing up who I have come to love...and she is up against a world that doesn't want to celebrate her unique beauty. It wants to fit her into a mold and that is oh so detestable to me. How pathetic to take the wide and creative beauty of this world and cut, press, and push it into a mold--a box--that someone has said is "it." No, no. That's not where it is at. Look around you. We are all a fairly average group of people, eh? I would take the remarkably average ones over the cookie-cutter 'they've got it' ones any day.

There is, inherent in each of us (also the ones that succumb to the cookie-cutter image), a beauty that the world has failed to define. Because maybe we can't define it.

It's sort of like how i can't describe or define just why it is that i have to catch my breathe every time I am on the shores of Lake Superior looking out. Yeah, it's something like that. We need to catch a vision of that understanding of beauty and run with it. Our lives will be freer and richer, guaranteed.

yeeeaayyuuhhh!

2011-06-25T20:53:00.000-07:00

Tonight i saw fireflies. Granted, it wasn't in a field or a forest but it was in a beautiful back-street neighborhood and they were dancing their beautiful bodies of light across the front yards in that always and forever magical way. I was so happy.

Today was lovely. I got up and went to the laundromat and ran errands with lacy. Then i went for a bike ride by myself along the lake shore. It was glorious. 76 and sunny and hundreds of sailboats out of the harbor bouncing on open water. The sun was so bright i had to close my eyes as i sat there on the edge looking out. I soaked up sun today. no rain; no grey; just sun. Yes, i know: glorious. It felt so good to ride. I wanted to ride and ride and leave the city behind--find some open road and big wide fields. Anyway, it calmed me. And recharged me. I thought of dad (because i always do when i bike) and of the time he quoted Eric Liddell, saying that when he (dad) bikes he "feels God's pleasure."

I went home and showered and then had a lovely phone chat with Mel. It was so good to hear her voice and talk life-stuff. I'm grateful for good friends :)

THEN, I got to see Wendy! She leaves for Nepal in three weeks and will be gone for the year. I'm so excited for her--she'll be teaching. I'm so glad I got to see her before she leaves. I went over to where she's staying for the weekend and we had tacos together and then walked to an ice cream shop in Wicker Park that makes the ice cream in front of you with mixers and dry ice. Crazy. We went back to the house and watched Mexico vs. US (Gold Cup). Mexico won, 4-2. I hardly knew who to cheer for. I get kind of patriotic for Mexico. It was super fun. Soccer is way more fun to watch than football, can I just say it? Seriously. The game isn't stopped every two seconds, for one thing. And I feel like the athletes are more...athletic? Am I allowed to say that?

Today was a good day. It reminded me of things I love and things that make me feel alive. Do the things that make you feel alive, k? I've been thinking about the idea of "taking charge of life." Not in a cavalier, cocky sort of way. And not in a way that strips us of faith or the difficult and freeing task of trusting to God each new day. No, I mean taking charge in the sense of choosing and pursuing things that make us alive; that make us healthier, freer people. Sometimes we get confused about what is good and right and most healthy/freeing. But we really ought not ever give up because finding life in that way is what makes life so beautiful and it's journey so rewarding.

There's a lot on my heart these days. Full and almost bursting. Wish I could share all of it with you :)

You might get bored.

my mind won't sleep

2011-06-23T22:48:00.000-07:00

I've been so tired lately and now it's dark and quiet out but I find myself unable to sleep. Bother.

Perhaps it is the million thoughts buzzing around in my head that disallow sleep. For example, the thought of Mariah getting on that plane tomorrow afternoon; our having to say goodbye.

Or maybe it's this pamphlet on my desk with the big, bold headline, "teach English abroad" and i'm almost saved up for the course. I'd like it if my mind would let me sleep now. Maybe I'll try again...

Read This

2011-06-22T19:36:00.000-07:00

over here. it was good for me to hear/read tonight. hope you appreciate it, too.

summertime

2011-06-21T19:04:00.000-07:00

I can hear wind and rain out the window. I love that. So long as the tree branches stay attached to the trees and don't snap off onto my car (i have seen a record number of snapped tree branches due to these rainstorms...and a few on cars...please God, noooo).

The days have been so very "summer." I can't really describe it to you, I just hope you know what I mean. You know, evening air thick and humid, sunshine across the kitchen floor, country music (with the windows rolled down, duh), kids waking up from naps all hot and sweaty, popsicles, a glass of white wine...

The only thing I haven't seen yet are fireflies. I didn't grow up around them so I don't actually know if (maybe) they come out later in the summer...? I do know we don't see many in the city, which is a real shame. I love them. A whole lot.

I've found myself on my knees a lot lately. Literally and figuratively. Prayer has been a daily must and I guess when you're down wiping up puppy pee, cat vomit, stooped low to talk to a little one about why it is not okay to hit, scream, scratch, or stomp, or down on all fours cleaning up a spill, the kneeling part comes easy. But then there's my heart and getting it to a place of love, compassion, kindness, and care in the midst of all the sounds, smells, and frustrations of the day(s). It isn't always difficult--I really love these kids--but it can be. Really. Patience is a requirement. Love is patient, that's what I keep remembering. But it seems we're trained in impatience, doesn't it? Faster/shorter lines, instant foods, daily schedules and appointments to keep. But life-lessons don't always follow a schedule and maturity isn't met by appointment only. I am learning this.

I have seen in myself lately lots that needs changing. I've also seen lots that needs celebrating and maybe even a little bit of "freeing." I believe that sometimes we get to places in life and we find we've withheld where we shouldn't have; kept our mouths shut or our priorities stunted when we should have made a different decision.

A toast (raising my glass of white wine, MmMmmm): to us! To kneeling every day to say in humility and need, "I need changing. But I am also one of God's beautiful ones--His made-after-his-own-likeness ones; and that needs celebrating."

Life is beautiful. It's also short. Sometimes I forget this. It's a tender balance to live with this in mind in healthy ways--I've swung in both directions. I would like to be more in the middle.

I should go to bed. This pooped nanny has been short on sleep, i think...

friends and a wedding

2011-06-20T21:52:00.000-07:00

Sarah is married and the days have been sweet.

missing these two munchkins

2011-06-14T18:36:00.000-07:00

talk about faces of summer, huh?!

thoughts from a stuffy head

2011-06-11T19:24:00.001-07:00

I apologize ahead of time if these thoughts are muffled and awkward. I got hit hard with a head cold last night and have been wrestling with sinus pressure and a ridiculously stuffy left nostril all day. uugh, frustrating. But through the stuffiness I remembered that tomorrow is Pentacost Sunday. I think I remembered because I was sitting here earlier reflecting on "life" these days--and all that I am thinking through and facing right now (which feels like a lot)--only able to manage a rather pathetic cry, "Please God, I'm really needing you." Sometimes we just have to say "I don't know, Lord." And, since I've said that a lot lately, I'm beginning to see it as an act of trust. Somehow in all of the "I-don't know's" of life right now, God remains trustworthy. I guess I realized yesterday what a gift this is in the midst of a semester (yes, I can't help but still think in semesters) that has taken a lot out of me without (it has seemed) giving much back.

God steps in with his small gifts...like the fact that I can still find him trustworthy despite uncertain circumstances that threaten to change my mind about that. This is grace.

So tomorrow is Pentacost and I am well aware (again) of how much I need the Spirit. I have been making quiet requests for healing and reorientation over the past few weeks because I know I need his help. And tonight it comes to a head as I think about tomorrow and the "coming." Holy Spirit, come. Walter Brueggemann has written "so blow this day, wind//blow here and there, power//blow even us, force//rush us beyond ourselves//rush us beyond our hopes//rush us beyond our fears, until we enact your newness in the world//come, come spirit. Amen."

In my own words tonight I wrote in my journal "Come to me; come on us. Fill us again with strength for the pilgrimage. I need courage, Lord. Courage to believe (and live) truth in a world so mixed up. I need strength to stand for something large and lasting. I need discipline to hold fast to what is good and right. Protect us from unbelief and cynicism. Keep me fresh--I've been feeling spoiled and soiled....we worship what we think about. Redirect and reorient my thoughts."

You see (if we're honest), over and over again we have to commit our way(s) to the Lord. We are not successful gods. We try to be--controlling, mastering, manipulating, achieving--but we finally weary of it. We falter and fail and freedom is found again in grace--in God who is mysteriously three in one and so is, thankfully, Spirit in us, too. Living with us.

There is freedom in grace. Grace is to be new and healed and forgiven and whole and loved. Grace is journey and process. It is proactive and intentional not apathetic. It transforms (all things new). Grace travels with us, it doesn't just stop for a brief visit. It is a presence, I believe. Grace is not to be perfect here and now (I'm learning), it is to be free here and now. But, freedom towards a goal and a hope, not just freedom for freedom's sake. These are not always easy things to learn, but they enrich the way we live.

Sometimes I get distracted from all of this. I really do. So Spirit, remind us. Focus us anew. Reorient us. Redirect us. Come, come Spirit.

One For Sorrow

2011-06-10T08:55:00.000-07:00

I love this song...

under my skin

2011-06-06T20:30:00.000-07:00

"I hear lake water lapping with low sounds by the shore...

I hear it in the deep heart's core." -W.B. Yeats

"Perhaps the truth depends on a walk around the lake." -Wallace Stevens

I know I've said it before and perhaps you'll tire of hearing it...I love Lake Superior. It is absolutely my favorite body of water thus far discovered, explored, and enjoyed in my life. Each and every time I go back to sit on the shore, pick through rocks, walk the long beaches, catch my breath over the wonder of it all...I am reminded, again, how much "a part" of me it is. It does my soul good to visit it, ya know? Maybe you have a place like it...

Well, we're back. I could tell a lot of stories (we traveled through 3 states following Lake Superior's shoreline...yeah, pretty amazing). Maybe I will tell some, eventually. For now--a few pictures and the memories are enough. It was a fantastic week exploring beautiful country with a most wonderful friend. It was pretty much needed in every way, right down to sand between our toes and s'mores in our bellies :) It felt good to shed the city a bit--it felt really good. Mariah will be leaving the city in three weeks. I shouldn't get all sappy on here, it won't help matters any :) Sigh. It's going to be different and it will be hard and I will miss her. A lot. But change is good, too, and God has lots in store for all of us, even if we're a bit uncertain of it all right now.

Tonight the three of us spent the evening in Millennium Park listening to Iron and Wine play live. We had a picnic dinner, drank wine, laughed together...and it was fabulous, absolutely fabulous. We don't take these times for granted. They are gifted times, I know it, and I am deeply thankful.

four days

2011-05-24T16:52:00.000-07:00

2011-05-23T20:56:00.000-07:00

I made these truffles the other night. I got the recipe from Green Kitchen Stories. Oh my goodness. They are sooo good. And so easy.

P.S. dates are a new love.

what i'm lovin'

2011-05-22T07:35:00.000-07:00

these pictures. sigh. enough said.

six-year-old made up jokes. S to C: "where did you hear that one?" C: "I came up with it on my own." S: "That's why it's stupid." C: "I think it's funny."

basil, cilantro, and tomato plants getting bigger.

sibling visits (even if they aren't my own siblings :)).

a pile of gear/equipment in the office ready for a certain trip-to-remember that is just around the corner.

Wagon Wheel by O.C.M.S.

chacos.

AND rhubarb crisp made from rhubarb picked up at our first market visit of the year. HELLOO Chicago summer :) MmmMmm.

Some themes of these days

2011-05-17T20:51:00.001-07:00

From this week's Communion Reflection Recap:

"We are often quick to say things like true belief will result in good acts - we think of the passage before us in 1 John [3:16-24] and the James passage where James says I’ll show you my faith by my works. But I want us to take things another step and acknowledge to one another that on many occasions what we do with our selves either helps us to know more about God’s love or not. If I have given myself over to self-indulgent behaviour of some sort, to the extent that it is sinful, self-destructive, and potentially harmful to others, I need to recognize that the pattern of what I am doing is pulling me away from knowing more about God’s love. But if I repent and turn from said behavior, I will need something to fill that void. The gospel suggests that often the something we will need to fill that void is to do loving things for each other. Even if you find one night a month to lavish hospitality on someone because of God’s great love to you, the promise of the New Testament is that you will be deepened in your experience and understanding of God’s love. If we take time out of our busy schedules to serve the poor, the promise of the gospel is the same - we will be strengthened in our faith. May the physical nature of receiving the sacrament remind us that what we do with our bodies gives shape to our understanding of God’s love - in the case of communion, empty hands and bowing forward tells a story to each other and the world that we are dependent upon God’s grace for our life. So we come now with empty hands and hungry hearts to this feast of Grace."

This recap sparked some good, interesting, thought-provoking, challenging, uncertain, practical, and much-needed dialogue at small group tonight. Unfortunately, I always seem to get to Tuesday night utterly pooped out and hardly able to focus, much less contribute anything coherent. This can be rather frustrating (to say the least). But it was good for me to sit and listen to other people think and wrestle through some of this stuff. So helpful for me to hear on Sunday was the idea of patterns--patterns of self-indulgent behavior that seek to fill a felt void or supposed need, all the while (un)knowingly damaging relationship(s) with self, others, and God. We are so prone to these patterns, aren't we? For a number of reasons ranging, it seems, from the outright and obvious rebellious choice of self-indulgence to the "subconscious" self-indulgent choices we make each day that are so ingrained in context and culture that we hardly give them a thought (i.e. "western" patterns of materialism and entitlement). So we pray that God would redirect our patterns (of thought, behavior, etc.) according to what is true. If we turn to God's Spirit and call out our unsteady, inconsistent, ill-fulfilling, sinful ways of living and instead fight to believe in God's self-giving love as transformative and definitive, we will be moved and changed to live those patterns (i.e., self-giving practices) and less feel the strangling grip of the self-indulgent ones. BUT, because we are wrecked and broken, we are more and more aware of this need for something outside of ourselves to break into our patterns of sin and reorder our ways...in a hopeful direction.

Hmm. Many of these "themes" have been the thoughts, struggles, and questions of my heart over the past several months. Funny how they show themselves to be important by popping up in so many spheres of life...I guess that's why they're called themes.

Lord, help me learn again and again truths that change me but that can often feel "lost on me" and rote.

"God showed how much he loved us by sending his one and only Son into the world so that we might have eternal life through him. This is real love--not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as a sacrifice to take away our sins. Dear friends, since God loved us that much, we surely ought to love each other. No one has ever seen God. But if we love each other, God lives in us, and his love is brought to full expression in us. And God has given us his Spirit as proof that we live in him and he in us....We know how much God loves us, and we have put our trust in his love. God is love, and all who live in love live in God, and God lives in them. And as we live in God, our love grows more perfect....Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love. We love each other because he loved us first..."

1 John 4:9-13, 16-17a, 18-19, NLT {Read the whole passage, vv. 7-21: it's packed full. These are just some specific verses that really get me as I wrestle through what I believe (made evident on both intellectual and practical/behavioral levels) about love (God's love, love of others...)}

I guess I'm realizing more and more how important it is to rightly understand God's love. Truly, I think it affects everything we think and do and are.

2011-05-16T19:35:00.000-07:00

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines.

Sail away from the safe harbor.

Catch the trade winds in your sails.

Explore. Dream. Discover."

-Mark Twain

the padres

2011-05-11T09:53:00.000-07:00

If you could, be praying for my parents. They've been in Mexico for the past three weeks and come back tomorrow. It's been somewhat of an eventful trip--Dad got in a really bad bike accident a few days ago. He doesn't know what happened, just woke up on the ground with a bad head injury (luckily his helmet took the damage) that left him without a clue as to what happened. They had to drive to a neighboring village to get to a hospital. X-rays confirmed a broken collar bone. It's wrapped and he's recovering but in a lot of pain--bruised ribs and such. This means mom has to drive the truck out tomorrow, which can be a little stressful on some of those hair-pin turns. Pray for safety and for a good recovery for dad. Pray, too, for ease at the border crossing. They've had a lot going on in the past few months with the move to Flag and this trip, etc. Hopefully they'll have some good rest time once they're home.

Thanks, guys!

Henri Nouwen

2011-05-10T06:02:00.000-07:00

“I am so afraid of being disliked, blamed, put aside, passed over, ignored, persecuted, and killed, that I am constantly developing strategies to defend myself and thereby assure myself of the love I think I need and deserve.”

I'll tell you what.

2011-05-09T11:10:00.000-07:00

Summer is on its way...and I am pretty darn excited about it.

The leaves are back on the tree outside the upstairs window. They are bright and green and blowing. I planted some more yesterday--the herbs are growing beautifully, as are the tomatoes. The lettuce and onions are in outside; I'm believing there will be no more frost.

Increasing amounts of warmth and sun make me think of driving with music up loud, slacklining, rocks, rivers, and trees, camping trips, swimsuits and the beach, picnics, bike rides up the lake front, friends in the city (Whitney, Matt, Monica!), road trips, out-of-town friends (Hallie!), the farmer's market, color back in my skin (good gracious, yes), tie dying, craft projects, sitting in grass, summer parties, free concerts, cold beer on the porch with my roommates, neighborhood walks, State parks, country music, exploring, homemade popsicles, ice cream with the kids, soccer in the park, city festivals, iced tea...family...

Currently listening to Oh Cumberland, The Creepers. Folk/bluegrass=true spirit of summer :)

I found an old one written down.

2011-05-08T20:32:00.001-07:00

"Resolved: never to give over, nor in the least to slacken, my fight with my corruptions, however unsuccessful I may be." -Jonathan Edwards

A free day at Chicago Botanic Garden

2011-05-06T14:27:00.000-07:00

Big blue sky. Beautiful flowers. MmmMmm, wonderful!

And this, for your entertainment (and because I'm missing the little guy...). This one is funny, too, for those of you who have watched Thomas the Train...and for those who haven't.

The "Abide Me" Song

2011-05-05T11:14:00.000-07:00

Abide With Me, Sam and Auntie's shared favorite (except Sam calls it the "Abide Me" song). I do love this song...

A New Read

2011-05-03T19:42:00.000-07:00

"Part of maturity is the principle of deferred gratification. If you cannot embrace the pain of learning but must have instant gratification, you forfeit the greatest rewards of life."

-John Piper from Think: The Life of the Mind and the Love of God

been thinking on these things...

2011-05-03T09:48:00.000-07:00

This article link won't be good for long (they change their stories frequently). It's worth a read and a think-through:

Debating the Death

My Beautiful Niece (and happy bday, sister)!

2011-05-02T09:48:00.001-07:00

Nephew Time

2011-05-01T19:38:00.000-07:00

a week of cuteness, sun, and laughter (among other things)

2011-04-30T19:28:00.001-07:00

N.T. Wright, via our pastor...

2011-04-24T08:09:00.000-07:00

“The point of the resurrection... is that the present bodily life is not valueless just because it will die. God will raise it to new life. What you do with your body in the present matters because God has a great future in store for it.....What you do in the present - by painting, preaching, singing, sewing, praying, teaching, building hospitals, digging wells, campaigning for justice, writing poems, caring for the needy, loving your neighbor as yourself - will last into God’s future. These activities are not simply ways of making the present life a little less beastly, a little more bearable until the day we leave it behind altogether.... They are part of what we may call building God’s kingdom.... You are not oiling the wheels of a machine that’s about to roll over a cliff .... all of this will ﬁnd its way, through the resurrecting power of God, into the new creation that God will one day make.”
Excerpted from N.T. Wright’s Surprised By Hope

a different idea

2011-04-23T16:13:00.000-07:00

So...instead of stepping away altogether, I've come up with a different idea. For the next month or so, my posts are going to look a bit different. I'll still be sharing, just not with words entirely "of my own." I'm taking the time, instead, to post quotes, verses, videos, songs, etc., that have made me think, made me ask, made me smile, made me cry, made me wonder, made me laugh, made me hurt, made me praise....without the commentary. So, maybe you'll be made to think, ask, smile, cry, wonder, laugh, hurt, and praise...in your own way.

The Mountain from Terje Sorgjerd on Vimeo.

spring hiatus

2011-04-17T19:35:00.000-07:00

I'm taking a bit of a "blogging break." This is for several reasons and they aren't worth mentioning on here but I wanted to say goodbye, for a bit.

The trees that line the street are budding and bursting bright green. Glorious. Luke texted me tonight to remind me of a childhood memory: catching fireflies in glass jars. He was sitting on the cabin porch watching them in the woods. What I would give to join him right now...

These signs of spring and of coming summer are signs of life after what has seemed like an especially long, cold, dark, and grey winter here in the city. I always appreciate when calendar seasons help carry us through seasons of life--seasons of the soul. I find that God is reminding me, even as I look at all the new green buds, that hope is real, that he cultivates life abundant, and that he is about transforming things (beauty from ashes, life from death, new from old).

Today in church Bob reminded, "Jesus didn't come to meet our expectations, he came to meet our need." That woke me up from some of the frustration I feel towards God when he doesn't meet my expectations (and yet he continues to work patiently and lovingly for my need). Bob also reminded us how we tend to work for the rearrangement of our lives instead of the change and transformation that life with Christ necessarily carries. We would prefer to keep things in a way that we can just move them around. But complete and total change, newness, difference; well, that's frightening...and potentially painful (reminds me of that scene in Lewis' Great Divorce of the lizard...does it represent lust? i can't remember...attached to the man who won't allow it to be killed because he thinks he can manage it). Nearness to God means things will be brought up that demand change: overhaul. Sometimes this will start and grow small, other times I think it's more of a "big deal" project that God shows us needs attention and priority--whatever it takes to kill the things we "manage" (that we often become enslaved to) and instead live the freedom of life with Him. Easter newness. Easter life. Freedom from death. Victory over grave. Life all new, like the bright green leaves budding and busting out all around us. Hmm.

My interview was moved to Thursday, so keep praying!! I'm also fighting a sore throat/cold. The boys were sick last week. I was also up a few nights pretty late, which probably didn't help my body fight it. BUT we got the last disc of Friday Night Lights. It's all over now. Sad. What a great show. I think I want to marry a coach. And I miss the Southwest again.

Lacy got a rabbit. We have a rabbit and a hamster in our house. Sometimes it makes me laugh...usually when I hear her talking in a baby voice to "Peter Rabbit" from an adjacent room. I think the only pet I want to have is a dog. But that's just my preference :)

Alright, I'm going to go read in bed for awhile. Goodbye, for awhile!

end-of-day thinking

2011-04-13T17:23:00.000-07:00

Every now and again I have this phrase that runs through my head, "give me a sailboat to sail away on..." I have no idea where it came from or if it is even a famous line from something, though for some reason I feel like it is. I usually think it when I am feeling particularly claustrophobic in the city or when I feel like I just need a break and some wide open space for thinking and being. Tonight I saw this and the phrase that came to mind was, "find me a forest that I can get lost in..." I could go for a good long walk in some woods tonight. That would be just lovely.

I have a phone interview with a prospective family for a part time nanny job tonight. Be praying! It's always a bit nerve wracking. I've been blessed with good families but I have heard horror stories and am always a bit anxious when I consider starting new...

live shows

2011-04-13T10:33:00.000-07:00

Melissa and I saw The Civil Wars last night at Schubas. I am increasingly appreciative of the fact that we live so close to such a fabulous venue. It was a wonderful show. I'm posting this video to give you a taste of what they are like live. I'd describe them as "smooth" (they compliment each other so well), charming, and playful. And I would most definitely see them again :)

There's just something about a good live show, you know? Above the door to the music room at Schuba's there's this quote from Aldous Huxley: "After silence, that which comes nearest to expressing the inexpressible is music." I agree.

I will be flying to my sister's one week from Saturday! I can hardly believe it is coming up so soon. I'm ready. I'm ready for kiddo time, warm sunny days playing outside, laughing (let's face it: this is what we do...no inhibitions), sister coffee-time, talking about and getting advice for all that life is right now. I am so grateful for the chance to get away and take this trip.

In other news, I got my seeds!!! And I just returned from Home Depot where I picked up some of the essentials--seed starters, composted manure, etc. The good stuff. I can't wait for days in the garden with the girls, getting it ready for PLANTING!

I love Home Depot. I could spend hours in that store. No joke. I hope someday I'm able to have a "project house." Mom thinks it's so wonderful because it's a store full of potential. I think she's right. And it smells really good...akin to the hardware store smell. Mm!

I need to go get some odds and ends done. Hope you enjoy the video and if you ever get the chance, go ahead and see them live--lots of fun! :)

peter mulvey and my wonderful little brother

2011-04-11T06:23:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I got locked out of the apt. After hanging out at the park, I separated from Lacy for several hours only to find that I had left my keys inside the house and she was gone to see a friend. But it was 85 yesterday so no complaining--I sat on the porch and talked with my brother on the phone. I love him. I love talking to him. I appreciate the friendship we have. I shared life stuff; he shared life stuff. We shared advice and we sat quiet in each others questions. We learn together and we sit in mystery together--I really value that. There's not much fear of the hard, uncomfortable questions as we wrestle with what it means to know God and follow him; to live well in this world and care about people deeply and out of ourselves.

At one point he said, "do you ever think back to when we were kids and decisions were made for us?" I laughed, "yeah." "Sometimes I miss it." "Me too," I said. "I guess I just miss the innocence...or even some of the ignorance, you know?" Yeah, I know. It made me think of The Kids in the Square by Peter Mulvey--a beautiful song that speaks to some of these same things: a child's 'innocence/ignorance' in the face of the world's hard or mysterious realities. Whenever I listen to this song I can't help but think about faith like a child and why it is so important to Jesus that we understand life, to a certain degree, and faith from the perspective of these little ones. I think about it, too, as I nanny. I observe children an awful lot. What is it about their ability to give themselves over to believing something--even something that might seem "absurd"--that seems so wholehearted and wonderful? The other day C told me (in absolute seriousness) that Mountain Dew is actually Mountain Dude. He then proceeded to ask me if I preferred Sprite or Mountain Dude. I could hardly keep a straight face. But he was 100% serious because a friend of his at school has a "Mountain Dew" shirt with the logo changed to "Mountain Dude."

My brother and I grieved the reality that, to a certain degree, we are all corrupted by the world. We can't maintain that innocence or ignorance. Sometimes it's downright harmful to try to. At other times, we ought to remain innocent but we can't or won't. It's like my previous post and the idea of a "tangled up world." Here's another thought from that same chapter (a little long but very insightful):

"...we must be honest enough to say of ourselves that both the church and the world are here with us today. Both the church with its vision and the world with its fear are here today, and they are in our guts. I am tangled up with the values and priorities of the world, and so are you; it cannot be otherwise. Part of the hatred of the world toward the church is within my own body and within yours. It has to do with coerced parts of my person in conflict with the vision of joy that sustains me. And that conflict tears at me. We are all of us making up our minds about that deep conflict between yearning for shalom and wanting business with the world to continue uninterrupted. You and I will not likely rush madly to that new vision of confidence, but it is possible for folks like us to keep the tension alive. In the midst of a relevant, actionist church, it is useful for us to ponder what it means to be in but not of the world, in but not of the grimness and the defensiveness, in but not of the joyless holding action. Or turn it around: of but not yet in the kingdom of the beloved, of the vision of a healed future but not yet in it. We do not have to be controlled by our in, but can be claimed by that which we are of. The struggle for the church, if it takes society seriously, is to get its in and its of very clearly in tension with each other."

(Walter Brueggemann, Peace)

Luke and I eluded to some of these ideas. Mostly we acknowledged, together, the tension of seeing things in the world that we know we want to do differently while wrestling against the pull of things that seem like good but turn out to be harmful or unhealthy.

The thing is, and I've been learning this in stages over the past few years, as much as I am more and more aware of that "lost innocence/ignorance" (or however you want to term it), I wouldn't actually want to go back. Because even though life might be a bit more difficult when our eyes are opened and aware of the harder realities/responsibilities, life is also richer. Wisdom, maturity, and growth have a price...but they are worth the price. At least I think so. Sometimes when I watch the kids play I think, "wow, you are so unaware of the things going on 'out there.'" And I have pieces of news headlines running through my mind...Libya, Egypt, Japan, the Ivory Coast, a government shutdown...But then I watch them as the tricycle magically turns into a motorcycle or the police car turns airplane and starts flying around the room: "it's ok that you don't know about all of that. It won't be ok forever but right now it is and it's refreshing and it's beautiful."

C has been really interested in WWII recently. He asks so many questions about war. You see, this is just the beginning of a maturing mind. Life will demand lots of hard thinking and believing from him. We talked about Hitler and he asked how he died. "He killed himself."

"You mean, he suicided himself?"

"MmHm, he did."

"I think it's weird when people suicide themselves."

"Yeah, me too...it's very weird. It's sad."

"Yeah, it's sad."

but those kids down in the square

are dancing like they just don't care

i think they know it all washes away

in the morning rain

living out of a "towel" community

2011-04-10T06:24:00.000-07:00

Last night in bed I read a bit of W. Brueggemann's book Peace. I was tired and only managed a few pages but want to share because it was really good. In this chapter, The Church: An Untangled World he writes about the church witness in a tangled up, unbelieving world. He refers to the church as the "towel" community of "empowering vulnerability," see John 13:1-17. He also proposes that it is this "'towel' of empowering vulnerability that frees us." Committed service and self-giving love--these are the marks of Christ's people.

What I find especially insightful is how Brueggemann writes about the truth as that which untangles a tangled up world.

"The truth is given to a community that has the 'towel' of empowering vulnerability. And, indeed, the suggestion is clear that only such a community may know the truth. We know something about the world that the world does not know about itself. That doesn't mean we have the right doctrine or the right morals, but that we can see clearly and know honestly how it is from the perspective of the hope-giving Lord. So what do we know in our 'towel' community that the world cannot face about itself? Some things are obvious:

-We know that persons are more precious than property.

-We know that human worth is more precious than ideology.

-We know that quality is more important than quantity.

-We know that community-building can't be based on selfish advancement.

-We know that when we take our rules too seriously, we will crush or be crushed.

-We know that being able to do something (having a skill or capacity) doesn't automatically give it legitimacy, as, for example, with sex, or bombing, or hating, or developing.

We also know

-that this world is on its way out and no one can prevent that.

-that a new world is being given to humans and we are invited to it.

-that the movement from this world to the next is not made with full hands, but requires empty hands.

-that sorrow will be turned to joy while the world grieves."

"That doesn't mean we have the right doctrine or the right morals, but that we can see clearly and know honestly how it is from the perspective of the hope-giving Lord."

In my opinion (and I don't entirely know what Brueggemann would say, but I have ideas), this is not to say that pursuing the development of sound doctrine is bad. I just spent several years "in" these things (I value these things). BUT I think that, by itself, such a pursuit will lead to a dry and empty faith. I've struggled hard with working together the study of God and life with God (relationship is always vital and sometimes study, as other things, can kill it...or it can grow and enrich it; study for the sake of study/knowledge vs. study for the sake of vital living/relationship). Believing and following God is more than right doctrine only. "Right doctrine" can dangerously become a head-game. I've seen it happen. Then there are "right morals." Also, moral and ethical living are important. The truth of the Gospel and the story of God demand a transformation of our ethical life. But again, the pursuit of morality can become an empty endeavor that leaves a person tangled up in moral laws and rules that deny the freedom of life in Christ (he promised "abundant life," what does that mean?). One thing I so appreciate about Brueggemman is his pastoral heart and his commitment to biblical theology--doctrine and moral life mustn't be divorced from the biblical story of life with God. How we know, follow, and believe God changes things about daily life. Theology is practical and necessarily affects our practice of life. So, I too believe that our nearness to God allows us the perspective of the hope-giving Lord...and we begin to learn things about the world that it doesn't know about itself. As God untangles us we're able, in small but sure degrees, to approach the tangled world with His life-giving truth. Now maybe after all this rambling of mine you should go back and read those two "lists" of examples he offers...I think they're very helpful and worth thinking on...

Valley of Vision

2011-04-09T19:20:00.001-07:00

Tonight it was good to be reminded of this old-time prayer, still and ever relevant:

"Lord, high and holy, meek and lowly, Thou hast brought me to the valley of

vision, where I live in the depths but see Thee in the heights; hemmed in by mountains of sin I behold Thy glory. Let me learn by paradox that the way down is the way up, that to be low is to be high, that the broken heart is the healed heart, that the contrite spirit is the rejoicing spirit, that the repenting soul is the victorious soul, that to have nothing is to possess all, that to bear the cross is to wear the crown, that to give is to receive, that the valley is the place of vision. Lord, in the daytime stars can be seen from deepest wells, and the deeper the wells the brighter Thy stars shine; let me find Thy light in my darkness, Thy life in my death, Thy joy in my sorrow, Thy grace in my sin, Thy riches in my poverty, Thy glory in my valley."

Let me learn by paradox...this has been my "Lenten journey" this year. It's been a difficult season and full of bombarding thoughts. It seems my mind is full and overflowing and I am constantly challenged to know how to take these thoughts captive to Him--how to trust the trustworthy One; how to believe that the valley is, in fact, the place of vision; how to learn by paradox...

What has been your Lenten journey?

New Music: Derek Webb

2011-04-07T08:11:00.001-07:00

Since She Must and Shall Go Free, Derek Webb has definitely taken his music in a different direction. My love for his first solo project will probably always outlive my interest in his others. However, I See Things Upside Down and Mockingbird have also both played their part in my appreciation of this singer/songwriter. He just came out with a new project. I haven't kept up with him at all but received the email notification of it's release. I remember looking at it awhile ago. Now I am listening to it on Groove Shark. Feedback is "an instrumental electronic album based on the Lord's Prayer." I find the project very interesting and very intriguing. Don't have the money to get the whole package but maybe someday. Check it out on his website if you so desire. Writes Derek Webb of the project:

Worship is a complicated idea. Arguably, it’s what we all do, 24 hours a day (regardless of what we’re worshipping). And I’m aware of a lot of “worship product” in the marketplace I sometimes occupy. So I was cautious when I first started receiving the coordinates that would lead me to make ‘Feedback’. It was immediately conceptual and ambitious, so much so that I genuinely wasn’t sure I could do it. But this seemed to be the perfect posture in which to create something worthy of being called a “worshipful” piece of art. So I studied, meditated, struggled and prayed my way through this creative process, and it’s easily the most challenging thing I’ve done in my career. But I believe it’s been worth it, even just for the ways it’s stretched both my creative process and my faith as a follower of the Way.

10 things that make me smile

2011-04-04T16:57:00.001-07:00

1. The dead weight of a 5-week-old asleep in my arms.

2. The rugby players covered in mud at Johnquil Park now that the weather is getting warmer.

3. Spring thunder.

4. A six-year-old imagination.

5. Experimenting with embroidery.

6. Good new country songs (it's about time).

7. Watching 2 and 3 yr olds eat donuts.

8. Hot tea.

9. The anticipation of seeing my niece and nephew in 19 days.

10. Library books in transit (gardening and film photography).

Late Night Thoughts: Darth Vadar and Generous Living

2011-04-02T20:18:00.000-07:00

It's been a bit of a stressful week. Nothing too terrible just a lot hitting me at once. It's pushed me to rely on God...which is a good thing. It seems like it should be an easy thing, right?--relying on someone more sure and sufficient than yourself, wholly in control and at back of things, able to hold things together and keep the "big perspective." But for some reason it isn't easy. Relenting and entrusting is not easy, because I seem to forget that I have lots of other, little gods that I tend to put my trust in--gods that will (and do) let me down, but gods I can see with physical eyes (which often is what entices me). Trusting to see things with the eyes of the soul is a whole different thing. It makes me more alive if I exercise faith, but the "coming to life" means death to other things, like my dependence on and trust in these other little gods I keep around. He takes them away from us to make us more free and alive.

So basically, some of my little gods have been failing me. I find myself left with the Biggest God--the God--and, while definitely more deep-down satisfying, this can be hard. It can be humiliating to admit our need, can't it? It's humbling to repent and, in so doing, to realize that it really is His kindness that has lead us here...to repentance...to the place where true life is found: death to all our little gods and life in the God who knows us best; who provides us with a new way of living--abundant life. Life in God, whose presence is our experience of love and acceptance on the deepest levels.

I've been stressing about my future--where I'm going, what I'm doing, why I'm doing it. I ask questions like: what does God want for/from me? What am I good at? What do I want to do? How should I do it? Where do I start (and have I already "started")? How will I get there? Where is "there," exactly, and how will I know it when it's found? And will it be found?...

I'll be losing one of the families I work for at the end of April. They're moving and I knew it was coming but it has come a little sooner than expected. Things will be a little tight for awhile but mostly I just don't know what type of second job to look for in it's place. Nannying has been difficult but has also brought me great joy. It has proven to be a great experience while providing well for my needs, etc. Now the question is if I should look for another part time nanny job or go for something different. There are many pro's and con's. Somehow I get stuck in them...

I have decided that I'd really like to pursue an ESL certification this year. I've looked into Oxford Seminars in the past and am considering it again. It would be a great experience and would open up a lot of doors for future jobs, ministry, travel, etc. If I could get certified and then work part time at a refugee resettlement agency or something, that would be so cool...

I've also been looking, then, at openings overseas (for teachers, mostly). Could I (should I) work overseas after getting certified? I would love the opportunity. I spent some time researching schools in need of teachers the other day. It got me super excited. I've thought about going overseas for awhile before going to grad school. But maybe not. I could do grad school first. Gah. See what I mean?!

What it always comes back to, though, is the money (and it frustrates me a little that this is what it "comes back to"). What will it cost and how will I finance it? That's always the question in the back of my mind. I feel like I'm trying to learn how to think and dream responsibly but to also be willing to dream ("big") while trusting God to provide, wherever He leads me. He'll provide. He will, right? Well, He always has and He's been reminding me of this a lot recently. It has never been easy to trust Him with/for financial backing, but He's provided in some really unexpected, unique, and miraculous ways over the years...and does still. This is where Darth Vadar comes in :)

Last night my boss called me to see if I could drive C to a bday party in the suburbs today. She has walking pneumonia and needed to rest. Although last minute, it was a HUGE BLESSING and answer to prayer because 1. I really enjoy spending time with those kids and 2. I'll be needing the extra money. I had just talked with mom yesterday about how I'm going to approach the upcoming changes: loss of one job, increase in rent, the hope of saving for the ESL certification (costs $1095), etc. One thing I told her was that, basically, I'm really going to be simplifying: lots of inexpensive foods and very little (to no) "extras" for the next several months. I'll just have enough to cover basic cost of living, bills, school loan, car, etc.

I happily agreed to take C to the party and it turned out to be a really fun day. How couldn't it be--six 6-7 yr old boys at LegoLand? Come on! For example: approximately 30 seconds after the doors opened, they all made a bee-line for the Star Wars display (I swear they have built-in Star Wars radars or something). There was a life-size Lego statue of Darth Vadar and before I knew it one of the little guys was between Vadar's legs looking up shouting, "Look! Darth Vadar's wiener!!" After which all of the little boys huddled around yelling "He has a wiener! Wiener, wiener, wiener! Watch out, Darth Vadar's going to pee on you!"

Really? Ha. You know you're at a boys bday party when...

Needless to say, the afternoon was full of "fun." :) :)

Well, when I got back, not only did this family pay me what they usually do (which is incredibly generous), they also gave me a Starbucks gift card--totally unnecessary but really thoughtful! Lace and I went to Starbucks when I got home, where I found out the card has $50 on it. Yes, 50. As the Barista said, that's a lot of coffee. Later, my mom reminded me of our conversation yesterday in which I expressed my concern and anxiety about the upcoming months and the "loss" of money for virtually all extras. "There you go, Andrea. Your money for coffee dates and 'extras' for the next several months." She's right (she's good at reminding me of things I've prayed or said that for some reason I quickly forget. I'm grateful for her, always helping me make the connections). Really, God? Seriously, generosity and provision come from unexpected places and usually when I am so unsuspecting. Even though I've been praying for the courage to say every day "Ok God, you are my provider and I am trusting you," He still surprises me. Maybe I just doubt that faith the size of seeds can really move mountains. Lord, help my unbelief.

speaking of a new kind of living

2011-04-01T05:27:00.000-07:00

‎"Newness is about to burst into our lives and, indeed, into the world. But the newness comes not without a price, and the price is death to all present arrangements, death to fear and to small hopes, death to old visions and memories. And those who are ready for death to all that the world calls ‘life’ are the ones to whom life can come." ~ W. Brueggemann

unavoidably constant

2011-03-31T11:05:00.000-07:00

I cannot deny the rise of these words in my mind and heart over the past few days. It seems that, no matter the concern or "worry," the thought or question, this passage comes frequently "in answer." It's unavoidable, and it looks like it will remain so for quite some time.

"No one can serve two masters. For you will hate one and love the other; you will be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money.

That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life--whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn't life more than food, and your body more than clothing? Look at the birds. They don't plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren't you far more valuable to him than they are? Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?

And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don't work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?

So don't worry about these things, saying 'What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?' These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need."

Jesus must have known these words are tough, right? I mean, how often do we live with such mindful dependence and thorough trust--such audacious faith? It's a new life-order being prompted here. The Kingdom of God above all else--that's a new kind of living.

I've been (re)discovering why living in the city can have an "exhausting effect" on me. Any place--city or not--requires that we make certain kinds of ethical decisions, etc. every day. But the thing about the city, I find, is that there are so many decisions that revolve around wealth/possessions/material "collection," if you will. I mean, think about it--so much condensed into one place: bill-boards, street advertisements, stores row after row and on top of each other, thousands of people to see, watch, compare, judge, and desire. There is so much more in one place to tempt us to need, want, pursue, believe. I guess I'm also becoming more and more convinced (in general) that the way we live now, with such advances in technology and mass-media, is opening itself up to harder decision-making about what is good and right and true. In the city (my opinion), it's felt more on some days than others as something of a bombardment. The danger, I've found, is running the risk of becoming immune to it all--mindlessly succumbing to a way of life I never "agreed to" in the first place.

For example, I am the grateful recipient of a free month-long membership to a local gym. The family I work for had the coupon but wasn't going to use it. Sweet! I got a free temporary membership to an awesome gym. It took me almost a month to get past the intimidating exterior and just go in. So I did, yesterday, and I got a tour of the place. It's under new management and in the middle of a huge remodel but it's great. I'm really excited about it. I said something while we were in the cafe/wireless hot-spot (that overlooks the tennis courts) like "wow, this is nice!" to which my generous tour-guide responded, "Oh, this is nothing. It's going to be so much better." Oh, well, it looks pretty nice to me...

After the tour, we sat at a table and went over the paper work together. I asked him what a month would cost me without the free coupon, "$81.00." Cool, I thought, maybe I'll consider it after this free month is up. Then I got outside and THEN my head cleared, $81.00 a month?! And that's only for me because I am still considered "young adult" (discounted). I don't HAVE $81.00 a month to spend at a gym. But for a minute or two, I actually believed that it was 1. feasible 2. a potentially good idea. Here's the thing...I have nothing against gyms or paying to workout (although, it's always been a difficult concept for me to swallow. However, enter: Chicago living, where it is winter 6 months out of the year. Good luck doing anything outside but surviving :)). I take issue, though, with lifestyles that begin to think carelessly about where money comes from and where/why it "goes out." And, ashamedly, I confess that this is me right now. And this, in part, is why I feel so exhausted with city life. Maybe it's the people I am around more often than others--those that have more money than they know what to do with (or are spending money they don't have); those who plunk a pretty penny down for things like diet get-aways and the hottest new arrivals at those Boutiques I can't pronounce the names of. Maybe I am just tired of discovering new clothing lines that I never knew existed...or beauty techniques I spent 24 years in ignorance of...and tired of feeling like I should care about these things...

When there is so much going on around us--so much vying our time, energy, and investment--choices are made constantly, sometimes without thinking. I don't like this feeling. It makes me think that someone/something else is master of things, not that Kingdom of God way of life, where things are upside down (the poor are rich and the first are last but all are faithfully loved).

[Note: I would just like to say that, while certain of my nanny experiences have put me in places where I interact with and observe some of these "harder to swallow" ways-of-life, I am very blessed to be working for a family who devotes time and energy to people and places of genuine need. There is no attitude of entitlement from them towards me or anyone else, as I observe. They are a really wonderful family and I, while living in a bit of a different world, count it a privilege to work for them. I also count it a blessing to learn with and from them that what binds us together as people are not material things but base-level realities of inherent worth, dignity, and value. This I love discovering. This I work to live.]

in queue

2011-03-30T17:26:00.000-07:00

I finally opened an account at Moody's library last weekend. It was a great decision. Now in queue from the library:

1. Creation Untamed: The Bible, God, and Natural Disasters by Terence Fretheim. I've read several articles of his as well as The Suffering of God, which was a very thought-provoking, challenging, and insightful book. I'm sure this one will be, also.

2. Exclusion and Embrace: A Theological Exploration of Identity, Otherness, and Reconciliation by Miroslav Volf. Finally this is under our roof! I know at some point I'll want to purchase it for myself but for now the library copy will do. I used it for my internship last year, reading portions but not the whole thing. Volf is a very helpful voice in terms of a theology of Christian ethics, relationality, and practical living. I really appreciate what I've read of his and look forward to reading more.

3. The Covenanted Self: Explorations in Law and Covenant by Walter Brueggemann. I had never heard of this one until I stumbled across it at the library last Saturday. I'm excited about it.

I got several other books as well but these three are top-of-the-list and probably the ones I'll spend the most time in over the next several weeks.

Since I finished East of Eden I decided to read something other than novel. Then I'll go back to novel. I'm always pretty ready to switch it up like this. Each genre and style teach so much, you know? And in unique ways. Oh, I can't forget, I'm also reading Guide to the Superior Hiking Trail ("Linking people with nature by footpath along Lake Superior's North Shore"), heck yeah!

what i am looking at (and some midday thoughts)

2011-03-29T06:14:00.000-07:00

This week's homily recap confesses my own position before God: Tired, Frustrated, and Thirsty. Do you ever find yourself in season's of life that require you to cling to God fresh every day? I am finding myself in a place in which each new day calls me to trust and sometimes it doesn't feel like there is much carry over. Every morning requires me to choose, again, and discover where I will find life; who I find trustworthy for life; where strength and courage will come from. And He is it. He is where I find rest and water and life. I carry my fatigue, my frustration, and my thirst to Him every day. This is how I am exercising my faith. Such small, small steps. I don't know how else to do it. Isn't this how we live life, in small steps, clinging?--hoping, and finding Him to be enough.

A Man of Sweet Mystery

2011-03-28T12:05:00.001-07:00

Dr. McDuffee. There was something about him that was, in every way, a "sweet mystery." He would frequently get a look in his eye that betrayed to the class his soul's detour. Sometimes he would even stop talking, as if the inner conversation was more significant than the public conversation of class. It was always a little remarkable to share those moments with him. He is a man who lives deeply moved and affected by the world; deeply moved, affected, and committed to God and His Word. He is a man who lives the mysterious tension of the "now and the not yet." He is a man who loves people and cares for people. He is a man of prayer.

I was only able to have him for one class: The Holocaust and the Crisis of Evil in the Twenty-first Century. He did, however, even in that one semester, inform my life and my faith in lasting ways. I spent some time today looking through some of my old class notes. I couldn't help but miss this man as I find myself grateful and indebted to him for some of the things he said...

"I respond to Him, even though He will transform me."

"Ideology is much more fair than worldview, which is a nice evangelical word we use that allows us to judge and feel ok about it."

"Live to discover people, Saints, in order that you might learn what is going on in their lives and hearts."

"The beauty and complexity of humanity is that the soul swivels and sees."

"As evangelicals, we are addicted to influence."

"Always live to be surprised by God."

"Hypocrisy causes in me a corrupt fear of others."

"Do you live in ways that are good for the godliness of others?"

"Everything has a beginning--even genocide."

"You don't need pom poms in life."

"It's always an issue of speech, Saints, it's always an issue of speech. And you are keepers of speech."

"My fundamental hobby is to remain sane in a sick, mad world."

"You do not serve narcissistic, nominal Christianity. You serve Jesus Christ."

"Prayerfully yield your fears."

--------------

Prints of Peace: Peacemaking Through Visual Storytelling

2011-03-26T07:09:00.000-07:00

I realize I've never done anything like this before on my blog but I thought I'd give it a shot. I've been helping out a little with this photography exhibition (Prints of Peace) that's coming up in April. The Prop and the International Guild of Visual Peacemakers are hosting the exhibition in an effort to highlight and bring awareness to inherent human beauty and dignity and the impact of visual media. You'll see on the Guild website that they're committed to being mindful of "the person and the picture" by researching/respecting documented cultures, valuing their subjects by interacting with and involving them, using discernment in their consideration of another's dignity and honor, inquiring about the impact of their images on others, etc. They are careful to give thought to the power of an image and how it is used to communicate something. The Guild is dedicated to truth-telling through visual media. That is to say, they seek to break down unhealthy, harmful, and destructive stereotypes by representing, to the best of their ability, the truth of a subject. Their desire is to show the "common humanity" of all people. Check out their website for more information and to see some past projects--beautiful work.

My connection to the project comes through the Prop, the partner organization that is helping host the event here in Chicago. Mariah's brother (and several of their friends) is a Prop "founder," you might say. The Prop is a project group dedicated to connecting artists to organizations effecting change around the world. I've had the chance to go to a few of their events and get-together's which have been really cool opportunities for meeting people, learning things, and dreaming a bit more pointedly about some of the things that I myself am concerned about as I think more of a "global responsibility" to living life and the ethics of living life in the world we're in (i.e., with visual media becoming so plentiful, constant, and interactive). I really look forward to this event in April. That being said, we're raising money to fund this event and we could really use your help. The fundraising campaign is being run through Kickstarter. You can access the site through the link and donate from there. Each of us is trying to get 10 friends/family to pledge $10 for the event. Please consider it!

And if you are able, please come!

The event will be held at the Artist Central Exchange located at 4866 N. Clark St. in Andersonville. The gallery will open Friday, April 15th at 6pm, and will continue Saturday, April 16th from 11-5pm. Tickets will be $15 Friday night and suggested donation of $10 on Saturday.

The objective of Prints of Peace is to create awareness that, as consumers of visual media, we can choose to interact with it responsibly and in a way that reflects the better parts of humanity. Mediums will involve storytelling through the photography and videography of IGVP members as well as local Chicago artists. The proceeds for the event will be split between the photographer(s) and IGVP. Check out www.the-prop.org to RSVP and for further information or email propteam@the-prop.org.

crossed paths

2011-03-25T20:48:00.000-07:00

I crossed paths with Jen in South Africa almost four years ago. Four years. It's been almost four years since Africa. That's crazy. It was such an "interruption" of an experience--a six month experience that broke into my college career and changed my life forever. But then, we also have other types of "interruptions" in life, and each of them teaches us significant and life-altering things. Hm.

Anyhow, I've been reflecting on that time more often recently. I think because I'm missing some "global engagement" and in some ways I'm feeling itchy to travel, to spend time abroad, to build relationships across culture, to go where the needs are often more about survival and less about...well, other things...

Back to Jen. This is Jen's blog. I don't keep up with it religiously but I do appreciate reading it from time to time. Right now she's in India photographing and writing and blogging about some of her experiences. I just thought I'd share the link, in case you wanted to see some beautiful pictures and read a few of her stories. Ideas of inherent human beauty and dignity are on my mind these days. More and more I wish there was something I could be doing right now that would be a tangible outlet for some of these desires/passions/concerns of mine. Maybe it's enough to just be challenged, again (and again), to consider these realities, pray, and remember that God's world is bigger than just me and my world.

sit. listen. delight.

2011-03-24T18:17:00.000-07:00

As always, this song has been delighting my soul. Really, I do love it a whole lot...

In other news: OUR MAPS CAME TODAY! That's right, now we can start looking over the routes for our trip at the end of May. Don't know if I've mentioned--Mariah and I are now in the official planning stages of our backpacking trip. We've picked the trail (Superior Hiking Trail) and now have the maps to really figure it out. 4-5 nights on the trail!! There's an REI garage sale this Sunday so we're busy list-making and figuring out what we have, can borrow, and still need to hunt down. Ah, so exciting!

I can't believe it's Thursday night already. It's been a week of reflection and realization; of emptying and surrendering. It's felt like life's slowed down a little--when life slows we have to face things, you know?--face who we are and where we're at; who God is ("for us" and for the rest of the world); who everyone else is and how/why we interact the way we do. Yes, that has been my week. That and a bit of stiff sleeping because I've been on the couch at night, not in my bed. That darn animal keeps me up at night. We think we've decided it's squirrels. Mariah saw them on the roof and playing around in the gutter. I suppose it's a relief to know they are 1. squirrels (not rats) and 2. in the gutter (not in our wall). But still, wish they'd find another house. Apparently (so says the landlord) there have been problems before and she even had the roof replaced at one point. And so the saga continues...

Off to watch Inception with the roommies. Great movie.

April 15-16

2011-03-23T08:31:00.001-07:00

This event is an interactive photography exhibition exploring humanity's inherent beauty and dignity and the impact of visual media. It will be hosted by The Prop and The International Guild of Visual Peacemakers and will take place at the Artist Central Exchange in Andersonville, Chicago (Friday, April 15th at 6pm and Saturday, April 16th from 11-5pm). Mediums will involve storytelling through the photography and videography of IGVP members as well as local Chicago artists. All proceeds will go to benefit future IGVP peacemaking projects.

COME!

teach me to know your love

2011-03-22T20:39:00.000-07:00

Lately I've been forced to think in some "new" ways about why it's important to understand God's love for us; and not just in an intellectual sense but in a compelling, experiential, truly relational sense. Day in and day out, how do we understand God's love for us? So often we relegate importance to the strictly individual life but what about how understanding (and living) God's love impacts our life on a more holistic level (life with self and life with others and life with God).

In his message on Sunday, our pastor said "One of the most important things you can do for those who love you and indeed for the whole world is to learn to cherish God’s unconditional love for you." He also said, "A key to our spiritual formation it that we understand well the foundation of our relationship to God. God’s love for us is prior to and without respect to our good deeds, our bad behavior, or our religious life." It's so helpful and challenging (in a good way) to hear and be reminded of these truths again; to be reminded of the significance of living and understanding God's love for us such that our whole realm of existence is affected--all of our living and all of our interacting, like a web, is impacted by the foundational reality of how we view/understand/accept God's love for us.

Why do my days feel so themed? It seems that in all cases, whether I'm wrestling through my own thoughts, talking with a friend on the couch, asking God to work in my own heart, listening to another friend describe challenges he faces at work that reflect his (mis)understanding of God's love and his own vulnerability with sin...whatever it might be, there are themes.

I guess as I recognize the themes, I realize that 1. we aren't, any of us, alone in our learnings 2. the journey isn't meant to be experienced in bubbles of inward self-living but in outward forms of self-giving/sharing (and by so doing, the journey is a self-finding and an experience of real living) 3. God's commitment to our deepest needs and longings is of the truest kind. He's invested for the long haul.

I am consistently blown away by God's love; his committed faithfulness; his goodness; his redemption plan that often reveals itself in unlikely and uncomfortable ways (wholeness by way of brokenness? comfort through suffering?). All the while, he gives himself as a travelling presence and we are not alone.

Every day is a day to trust and entrust. I am weak but we have heard that "His mercies are new every morning." And so we pray for the courage to see those new mercies and live our strength of faith, even if it's faith like a small seed.

hello, week

2011-03-20T20:56:00.000-07:00

A few resolutions, to start.

This week I will:

1. Read poetry

2. Pray like it means something

3. Tackle that long to-do list

4. Take my vitamins every day

5. Write 3 letters to people I love

6. Spend time in the Gospel of John

7. Find and follow a new recipe

8. Go for a run (because it's getting warmer, you know)

9. Donate or get rid of one trash bag of clutter and accumulation (i.e., simplify)

10. Get over that fear of putting air in my front car tire (I don't know why but I keep feeling like I'm going to blow it up. stupid.)

I'll let you know how it goes. Your challenge: choose ten things you want to attempt or accomplish before the week is up. Live with intention. Get off the couch; get out of the house; do something you've been putting off; choose to live life as gift. Push yourself to grow and live out of gratitude. I fail at this everyday by taking advantage of time and/or by taking so much for granted. We aren't entitled to the lives we live; we realize they are a gift. We are, so much of the time without knowing it, a privileged people. Privileged to read and write, to know God, to learn/explore/study, to have enough food on the table, to be in relationship with others, to live in warm and dry houses, to get from place to place with ease and comfort. We are a privileged people.

I appreciated reading this post, written by a fellow Hillsdalian (can I say it like that?). Ah yes, loss of language...

a prayer before bed

2011-03-19T19:54:00.000-07:00

No Newness Yet

You are the God who makes all things new.

We gladly raise our voices and move our lips

to acknowledge, celebrate, and proclaim

your staggering newness.

As we do, we hold in our hearts

deep awareness of all the places where your newness is not visible

and has not come.

Our hearts link to many places of wretchedness

short of your newness.

We picture our folks at home,

sick, in pain, disabled, paralyzed.

and no newness yet.

We know up close the deep wretchedness

of poverty, of homelessness, of hunger

and no newness yet.

Move our hearts closer to the passion of our lips.

Move our lips closer to your newness.

Work your newness in hidden, cunning ways among us.

Move us closer to your bodied newness in Jesus,

newness of strength come in weakness,

newness of wisdom come in foolishness.

Draw us from the wretchedness we know

to his scarred, bloody wretchedness

that is your odd entry of newness into our life.

We pray in the name of his suffering newness.

Amen.

--Walter Brueggemann

"Work your newness in hidden, cunning ways among us." I love that. It's such a bold prayer. Bold and needed. Do you ever ask yourself why you do bold things? For example, find yourself praying bold prayers? Lately I've been thinking about the relationship between truth and boldness. I think that we are able to live boldly what we believe to be true--or, even, risk boldly what we have faith to believe is true and hope for. Life demands these sorts of prayers, doesn't it?A crying out to God for creative entry into our lives to heal, put back together, and mend that which is unsettled, old, and crusty. And please, Lord, do it with cunning, because we know ourselves. We find ourselves believing lies and forgetting to hope, so we acknowledge that your newness must be introduced with creative care; in ways that we might not even know we need. This is our confession: we need the larger vision. We need your larger vision of newness because we are caught in places of "no newness yet" and we hope for the restoration that will find its way into our lives and the lives of those around us. You make all things new. And we think of Japan, so broken, burned, and drowned. You make all things new. And we're reminded of old, lost, and distant relationships. You make all things new. And we are too tired to think but we will get up tomorrow to live another day; to interact with so many people. You make all things new. And here's a picture of a little girl across the world with whom my heart is mysteriously connected, because I happen to live a life that has provided me with much "more" than her... Yes, "Work your newness in hidden, cunning ways among us."

Roommate Craft Day

2011-03-19T07:17:00.000-07:00

I found this pattern a little bit ago on Design Sponge (a new favorite blog with tons of Do It Yourself projects). So the three of us are each making one today! Woo! So exciting. We're about to go get supplies...

food and friends

2011-03-17T10:30:00.000-07:00

I love cooking for friends and then enjoying the food with the company! Matt and Whitney came over for dinner last night with Mariah and I. They made whoopie pies (and yes, we ate them while listening to "making whoopie" :)) and I tried this soup recipe from The Kitchen Sink (which is so easy and so wonderful) as well as the famous no-knead dutch oven bread recipe that mom and kristen have gotten me addicted to (it turns out a little different every time). Mmm, so good and so much fun.

I can't believe it's already Thursday. I can and I can't. What a week. What a few weeks. I'm frequently very tired. Usually it just creeps up on me until a wave of exhaustion just (WHAM) hits me and I can hardly keep my eyes open...but I've slept in the past few mornings, which has been really wonderful. The sun wakes me up before my alarm. MmmmMmmm, lovin' it.

Called our landlord today and left a message--getting ready to sign for another year! Chicago for another year! I don't think I've talked much about it. I definitely have thoughts. It's starting to really feel like "my city," which is nice. I feel much more settled about the idea than I would have, say, last fall, when I was borderline claustrophobic every other day :) Having a car and taking trips out of the city has helped. A few up-and-coming camping excursions are highly anticipated. Life is good. The jobs are going well. I'm going to lose one for the summer, which will be a bummer, but I'll probably look for something else part time. I've thought about inquiring at the florist across the street. We'll see :)

Off to work...

just under a month

2011-03-16T07:18:00.000-07:00

Melissa is taking me to see the Civil Wars at Schuba's. Im so looking forward to it...

church on sunday

2011-03-15T17:21:00.000-07:00

It pointed my heart to hear of God's goodness in ways I've been needing to be reminded of.

The recap is here, for those interested in reading it. Thinking on broken and repaired honesty these days as I consider the challenge of trusting God. It's a challenge when we aren't honest (with him, ourselves, others) and/or when we have misguided perceptions of His goodness.

Faith is so daily.

with a cup of peach tea

2011-03-14T18:47:00.000-07:00

It's light at 6pm now, when I leave work for home. This makes me so happy. I was even able to wear my sunglasses on the drive home because the SUN was OUT today. It was glorious. A pile of Joy's flourless peanut butter cookies are cooling on the counter and I have had a really good day. I spent it with C, since he's teething (adult molars!), fighting a cold, and stayed home from school. I did laundry and we read books, played basketball and football (our own variations), talked on the couch, made snacks, watched Go Diego Go (bane of my existence, i hate that show), ate lunch together while the sun streamed though the kitchen window, laughed at lots of random funny little things, played States Bingo (with S, once she got home from school), and "rested" (that's what you do to avoid getting sicker, even if that is what "babies" do...).

He was explaining to me about doing the splits which got us talking about how cool it is that the human body is so flexible. I've taken to writing these conversations down on small scraps of paper I keep in my purse...

Me: "The human body is pretty amazing."

C: "Human bodies are really amazing. It's pretty weird actually."

Me: "What do you think is the coolest thing the body can do?"

C: "I think it's interesting how big chunks of food can go down the food pipe."

Or when he was trying to explain how great of a show Go Diego Go is...

C: "I mean, it started in 1927."

Me: "I don't think that's possible. Show's like that definitely weren't around back then."

C: "Was that the time of the Romans? or the Knights?"

Me: "No not quite."

C: "Well, what was the year before 2000, then?"

Me: "1999."

C: "Oh."

I also finally got to catch up with Grandma today, which was really very wonderful. Sometimes I forget about how much I miss family and people who just love me no matter what--and who will offer (and bestow) an endless amount of hugs. I've been craving hugs, is that weird? It's that love tank of mine, mom. It needs filling. And if I didn't have work, Grandma, I'd be up there in an instant to collect from you!!

I got home from work to a card on the stairs from Sister with hand outlines from Ailey and Sam included. It was pretty much like a hug (so, thanks!). I am blessed that my family is a consistent and loving presence. I have friends who aren't so lucky and sometimes I marvel at their strength and courage. When things in life change and are uncertain, it is the Lord's quiet, strong, patient, and loving presence and the persistent, encouraging love of my family that keep me grateful.

Not until now, sitting in our kitchen wrapped up in the smell of peanut butter cookies and a pot of fresh-brewed coffee, have I realized how much today has reminded me, again, that relationships are a gift. People are invaluable. These are the hard-sweet gifts of life. All the work and all the joy is mixed up here: in relationships; in people. There's a lot I have taken (and still do take) for granted. And so I face my weakness. Lord, make it not so...

[also, i've been spending some time with these images feeling heartbroken and affected, sensing how "unnatural" it all is, and hearing that phrase "...on earth as it is in heaven..." running through my mind...]

Naked As We Came

2011-03-13T12:26:00.000-07:00

I really love this song.

excited thoughts

2011-03-12T19:34:00.000-08:00

I don't know what it's been, exactly, but lately I've been really excited about the prospect of a few new things as I happily dream about what I want to do in/with life. As I learn how I want to get involved (and where), what I want to "stand for,"and how I want to encourage others in their pursuits and dreams, I am currently conscious of the following:

1. A growing desire to be involved in some form of intentional discipleship. Tonight I was reminded of how cool it would be to work with college students. Obviously this could take many different forms: teach (in the academy), live with/near (mentor, etc.), get involved with a church college group. And yes, I recognize that i'm recently out of college myself but this is just something to dream about and be excited for in the future, perhaps? I met three PBU students tonight and will get to spend a little more time with them tomorrow. They were fun and they reminded me of what a cool time of life college is (and so ridiculously formative). Good stuff.

2. The April PROP event is in partnership with the International Guild of Visual Peacemakers!! We're planning on helping out, which will be great--a good chance to get involved and learn more about the organization and their work, etc. I'm so excited. This also reminds me that I need to get to the library and check out books on film photography. I'm considering my "class"options for this upcoming year (last year it was pottery) and I'm seriously thinking about film photography. Hmm. Or a textiles class with Whitney. yikes...

3. Jay is launching his "Business as Blessing" idea, hoping to provide micro loans to families in developing countries through the sale of houses (he's a Real Estate agent in Richmond, VA). Again, very exciting, but in the early stages so he needs prayer and support!! You can click the link to read a bit more about it--the loan program is through HOPE International.

These are some things that I've been getting excited about :)

worthwhile "exercise"

2011-03-11T17:32:00.000-08:00

I've been rereading last year's journal. I came across an entry tonight that I want to share...for the sake of example, I guess, because I think it was a worthwhile exercise (from the prompting of my counselor last spring). The "homework" was born out of conversations surrounding identity (and, subsequently, for the purpose of understanding self): Q1, What personal character traits make me "me"? Q2, What are my innate qualities (how God has made/shaped me) Q3, Who are some of the people who have profoundly shaped/influenced me (and in what ways)? At first these might seem "cheesy" but I think they are good questions to ask and consider.

I'm only going to include my answers to the 3rd Q. I guess all of them are pretty personal but I want to include that last Q for the sake of celebrating the influence of these people as well as for the sake of challenging you all to consider the people who have helped "make you." Lately I've been reminded how we're shaped by relationship(s). While in Africa I heard the phrase, "Everyone I ever meet has something to teach me." I've always found it rather fascinating how lives intersect. The crossing of stories is part of the gift of life, not something I want to take for granted.

So, people who have shaped my life (not limited to but including):

Papa--taught me that I don't have to be loud and outspoken or constantly "verbal" to be someone, to stand for something, to have value and/or be valued.
Mrs. Monroe (High School teacher)--through creative writing and the study of literature, taught me not to be afraid of making something of myself; to be properly proud of who I am (and am becoming).
Mrs. O'Hair (High School teacher, mentor)--taught me that failure doesn't change who I am or what God thinks of me. She taught me boldness, courage, and honesty.
Paco (a "missionary grandpa")--taught me of God's pleasure in and over me (and each one of us). Encouraged me to pursue my dreams and passions with God.
Dr. Sundahl (Hillsdale Prof.)--taught me to learn to laugh at myself and at life; to not be afraid of being who I am or of doing what I choose to do and pursue. Helped me live and experience freedom in life (and to approach life with a twinkle in my eye :)).
Dr. de Rosset (Moody Prof.)--taught me boldness and confidence; to "lighten up" and enjoy life and not take it all so serious. She taught me to not apologize for my gifts and talents but to use them (and develop them). Encouraged me to "be real" and to speak truth.
Mr. Howard (Moody Prof.)--taught me of the goodness of God and how understanding it forever changes our relationship with Him. Taught me about the pathos of God; how to humbly and truly fall in love with the God of Scripture not Scripture as book; to pursue and live dynamic relationship with God.
Dr. Schmutzer (Moody Prof., mentor)--taught me to learn/know self (strengths/weaknesses) and not apologize for who I am and am becoming; the integration of biblical/theological study and the realities of a broken world. Encouraged me to embrace my abilities and capabilities and to use them for God and world. Taught me confidence, boldness, honesty, empathy, self-care and rest. Helped me understand and explore the suffering of God and the impact this has on God's relationship with/to the world. Encouraged me to be a life-long learner; helped me study well and study for the sake of living not merely for the sake of knowledge.

**disclaimer: these are not things "learned," necessarily, but still (and always) things learning.

This Lent I'm finding and entrusting parts of my life that need to remember the gifts and promises of God. One such gift and promise is relationship. Something we easily take for granted and begin to feel entitled to...

So...how about you? Who have been some of the "key figures" in your life thus far? I think it's important to recognize and acknowledge them. It makes us grateful people. It helps us live life as gift.

[I feel like i need to say that "family" is a huge category of relationship that has shaped me. For those of us blessed with loving, supportive, and encouraging families, the relationships therein can often be easily taken for granted. Also, i think that relationships that travel with us through life can often be easily overlooked. They can grow more "common" but hardly less significant or important. Those key figures who come in and out for a season--or two or three--can leave a more "obvious" impact because the intersection is more of an interruption. hmm...see, i told you...i find this sort of thing so fascinating...]

ugh. ok, this headache isn't going away. tylenol pm and an early to bed. hello, weekend, so glad you are here.

47 and SUNNY

2011-03-11T05:00:00.000-08:00

Sun is in the forecast today. Considering that we haven't seen it for longer than 10-15 minutes during the past week, I'm pretty darn excited. I hope it stays all day. Please stay, Mr. Sun!
There is a bouquet of brightly colored tulips singing spring from our kitchen table, a gift from mom and dad. They're lovely. I've never received flowers in a box before. That's the stuff of movies :)

In follow up to the squirrel story.
It has stopped scratching. Last Mariah hear of it yesterday was whimpering and "crying." Ok, that makes me a little sad. And now it's probably dead which means it will rot which means our room will smell...just lovely.
Yesterday I was telling the story to C and S during snack time. You know, the whole bit...about the scratching and the suspected squirrel and the fear that it might get in. C looked at me with nothing but sincere concern and said "poor squirrel." POOR SQUIRREL?! "C, it keeps us up at night trying to get in. Don't you understand?!" "But Andrea, it's stuck." Sigh. He's right. I think it hit too close to home because Sammy, the squirrel that lives in the tree out back, right where C can spot him and watch him play, is "gone" for the winter. Gone with his whole family.
"Where did Sammy go," I asked. Hardly a pause, "To Africa. Where it's warm." I couldn't even hold back the laugh. "Oh. Africa. That's really far away. Did he go with anyone?" "Yes, his whole family." So there you have it--Sammy is in Africa for awhile. Wish I could join him! For now one of his distant relatives is beginning to rot in our wall. Just great...

Lenten Learnings.
I've been learning about power and allegiance as I think about ways in which I live as if I'm entitled to things. We live our lives with such distracted allegiance, don't we? We struggle to know where to put our trust and where to invest our hope. We search for places of power--power to be (over others) or powers to succumb and surrender to. Ultimately, I think we do want to find something to give our lives to. The slow-dying that we sign up for in life with Christ means a journey to newness. It's a journey of surrendering power and aligning (realigning) our allegiance to the one in whose presence we find ourselves most alive. Lord, reset our twisted perspectives that look for power-plays and hope in harmful allegiances.

beautiful short video

2011-03-10T08:55:00.000-08:00

This gave me goose bumps.

for lack of...words...

2011-03-09T19:23:00.000-08:00

I haven't been able to journal for almost two weeks. While not an uncommon occurrence, it is a frustrating one. Sometimes when life presses in a little heavy or things seem particularly confusing, I lose my words. For a "word person," this can be infuriating, uncomfortable, and even lonely. You see, writing is therapeutic. It's a release. If there aren't words and there is no flow, there's no release, just a lot of pent up thought, emotion, and musing(s). Sigh. Words always come. They'll come. But for now I've been finding the "release" (and so, a certain peace and comfort) in ice cream outings with the kiddos, afternoons spent in quiet folding of laundry or doing dishes, and simple games of "United States Bingo" with an almost six-year-old who always steels the Rocky Mountain States board before I can get to it. What can I say, I've instilled in him my love of mountains (and all things Colorado). And, apparently, "Wisconsin Milk and Cheese," because he remembered tonight that it was also a favorite of mine (or that I had made a "big deal" about it once. haha, that made me laugh) and sassed the tile around in my face as if he had really pulled one over on me. Are all almost six-year-old boys this competitive? :) I love it. I've been so blessed by these "friends in small places." They can encourage me without even knowing I need encouraging. Maybe it's a little bit of God's nearness, again. Gift--a reminder that relationship isn't a right, it's a privilege. It's something we ought to celebrate (value and cherish). It's how He made us to be--more fully ourselves when living healthily alongside others; giving, receiving, loving, embracing...

Anyhow, I'm tired. Not a sleepy tired just a worn-out tired. Dare I go to bed at 9:30? Have I told you about the animal that is trapped in our wall making a hell of a lot of noise at night (excuse my word choice if you must, but i'm getting awfully frustrated with the little sucker). It's been waking us up multiple times a night. I woke up from a "nightmare" the other night that involved a crazed squirrel that had finally dug it's way out of the wall and into our room, running around in a starved frenzy with wild eyes and barred teeth. Seriously. Please no. Hoping and praying that all it's scratching and digging will be for naught. The whole thing is equal amounts frustrating and humorous, I suppose. How did this animal get stuck in our wall and what on earth is it trying to do at all hours of the day (and night)?!! Give it a rest, our four-legged friend!

here we go, friends

2011-03-09T06:04:00.000-08:00

It's a grey, rainy morning. It's Ash Wednesday. I've sort of tip-toed my way up to this Lenten season wondering what it is I can/should/ought to give up. I think I know, but it's hard to articulate. It's a bit abstract. Sometimes the really tangible fasts like "I'm giving up soda" or "I'm giving up ice cream" turn into a game in my mind. So I have to steer clear of them. They aren't wrong or bad or anything I just think I can too easily assume them as simply a legalistic "no, no" for the season without much thought for some of the deeper realities of why the season is significant, etc. I've thought "well, I could give up sugar. that would be hard but it would also be really good for me--i'd have the discipline and the beneficial affects of a better diet..." But see, then I start thinking of things for all the wrong reasons--wanting to choose something "just because" it's hard or because I'd also gain something from it. Last year was super hard because giving up worry was like giving up something so attached to myself that I was failing and falling at every turn--being tempted at nearly every moment to forget that there is a place to cast all fear, worry, anxiety and experience freedom and newness. It was therefore rather "abstract" but it was extremely practical in what it revealed and taught.

So, this year I am giving up thinking and living in terms of "Rights and Entitlements," instead living to recognize things as Gift, Promise, and Privilege. It's sort of the product of a lot of thought about what it means to trust God and what it means to believe in His nearness--two "themes," if you will, that have been constant for me of late. What does it mean to trust more in God's faithfulness, love, and provision than in my ability to determine, figure out, and control? What does it mean to have those hard conversations with God about the difficulty of handing over to Him (consistently) and surrendering, entrusting, and believing that He's big enough and good enough to have a better handle on things (he's trustworthy, in other words). What does it mean to see God's work in my life and in the world as a work that is close? Scripture is not shy about telling God's story as one in which He is near--a traveling presence. He pilgrimed with Israel out of slavery into wilderness and guided to the Promised Land. He set up camp in their midst. He presenced himself with them. So goes the story...and then He sends himself into the story, right into it. Human. God-man. To be with us, God with us. And lives a life that's a part of ours--facing the realities of human life and learning: temptation, love, sorrow, beauty, desire, difficulty...When he leaves he gives an extraordinary gift: his very Spirit, to live in us. There are, it seems, profound patterns of committed nearness.

It can be uncomfortable to think of God as one who is near. A God who is near means a God who knows. He knows our dirt and our mess; our beauty and our unique wonder. He lives with us deep deep down, acknowledging a value and worth that undercut all of the outward expressions of "who we are." And when we realize we are so exposed in the journey, I suppose we necessarily feel a little embarrassed, uncertain, and uncomfortable. A God who is near and a God who knows means that we have to wonder if he actually loves and accepts what he lives with and sees of us. This takes trusting him to a whole new level and reliance to a new depth. This is what I hope to dwell on for lent--God near my mess; God in my need; God loving my brokenness; God mending, healing, renewing, tearing apart, putting back together...God on the journey with me. So the things that I often falsely consider to be my rights and entitlements (anything and everything, really: achievements, accomplishments, understanding, knowledge, revelation, faith, belief, love...the things that I can begin to feel like I come up with...) can be seen and understood as gifts and promises (the "product" of God at work in my life--my mess--accomplishing something deeper and longer lasting; God worthy of trust because He's committed to a larger picture than the one I'm committed to but he's patient enough to help me get there. He journeys with. He offers gifts and remembers promises. He cares for us as we work to control what we think we understand..). He stepped into our mess for a reason. He's in the business of redemption and reconciliation--making all things new. That's the freedom and hope that is "Gospel." Free from the entanglements of sin and it's web-like trap that offers a lot but follows through with little. The hope and freedom that are our life in God recognize the gifts of relationship, love, and committed faithfulness. They offer a courage and strength for living our imperfections in liberating ways (toward health and wholeness) not in ways that discourage true life and growth.

What will all of this look like, for Lent? Well, I'm not 100% certain, of course. It will be daily, that's for sure. Daily work to face the temptation of wanting to recognize my life as my own. It will require daily reminders of God's promises, His workings in/through history, and His goodness that is sometimes hard to understand. It will demand that I consider new ways of trusting God's provision--believing that He bestows and privileges us in ways we don't always expect or understand, but they are gift. This feels a little like an experiment and I don't really know how it will go. I'll keep you posted as I journey. I like the journey-feel of Lent...the feeling of "travel." How are you traveling this Lenten season? What are you considering, wrestling, hoping?

Finally I'll just post this prayer in consideration of today, Ash Wednesday, and the journey ahead...

Marked by Ashes (Walter Brueggemann)

Ruler of the Night, Guarantor of the day . . .
This day — a gift from you.
This day — like none other you have ever given, or we have ever received.
This Wednesday dazzles us with gift and newness and possibility.
This Wednesday burdens us with the tasks of the day, for we are already halfway home
halfway back to committees and memos,
halfway back to calls and appointments,
halfway on to next Sunday,
halfway back, half frazzled, half expectant,
half turned toward you, half rather not.

This Wednesday is a long way from Ash Wednesday,
but all our Wednesdays are marked by ashes —
we begin this day with that taste of ash in our mouth:
of failed hope and broken promises,
of forgotten children and frightened women,
we ourselves are ashes to ashes, dust to dust;
we can taste our mortality as we roll the ash around on our tongues.

We are able to ponder our ashness with
some confidence, only because our every Wednesday of ashes
anticipates your Easter victory over that dry, flaky taste of death.

On this Wednesday, we submit our ashen way to you —
your Easter parade of newness.
Before the sun sets, take our Wednesday and Easter us,
Easter us to joy and energy and courage and freedom;
Easter us that we may be fearless for your truth.
Come here and Easter our Wednesday with
mercy and justice and peace and generosity.

We pray as we wait for the Risen One who comes soon

weekend in pictures

2011-03-07T18:25:00.001-08:00

Sorry I don't have the energy to write the stories behind all these pictures. Sometimes it's better that way. What happens in Kentucky stays in Kentucky ;) Actually, I'm just really exhausted. We drove back this morning and made really good time so we even got to stop at Fair Oaks Farm, a fun farm/cheese factory/restaurant and gift shop between Chicago and Indianapolis...they had really good coffee today, which was great because I had to go almost directly to work after a stop off at home. I didn't sleep the greatest while we were there--combination of life and three in a king size bed (fun, not the most comfortable :)).

It was good to get away for awhile. We all needed it, I think, although we were all also pretty worn out going into it. Just look at the pictures...I think we look pretty tired. But it was so good to be with good friends exploring, relaxing, laughing, and just "being away."

We spent an afternoon/evening in Louisville on Bardstown St. going in and out of shops and bookstores and had dinner at Ramsi's--food from all over the world! It was yum. We drove through small towns and adventured through some cool and some creepy antique stores. We walked through Bardstown (the actual town), which is the bourbon capital of the world, and saw a few of the big distilleries. I think the back-country Kentucky roads did us all some good.

I'm tired in many ways but refreshed in others. Life is just full of lots of stuff to think about, pray about, and wonder about right now so that's that. No avoiding it, really, just learning how to trust God as always. Continually he says "trust me, Andrea" and always I wonder if he'll continue to put up with my weak trusting. And he does. He continually does. It's that never-stopping, never-giving-up, faithful kind of love of his. Lately I ask for his nearness to be felt. And this weekend it was felt in good friends and back-country Kentucky roads.

oh, and I pierced Lacy's ears a second time--yeayuh! what are friends for?! she trusts me, that's for sure :)

book-wish-list

2011-03-03T10:22:00.000-08:00

I really want Lotta Jansdotter's book Handmade Living: A Fresh Take on Scandinavian Living. I've seen it referenced on so many of my favorite "simple living" and "handmade home" sorts of blogs. You know, not the cheesy handmade stuff like crocheted kleenex box covers but the good stuff...the art of handmade living...that kind of stuff. Sigh. I'm determined to learn more of the simple art of the "handmade home" this year.

drive on

2011-03-03T06:33:00.000-08:00

Roadtrip this weekend. I am so looking forward to our roommate trip down south (to Kentucky). Getting out of the city and the coming back provides a certain kind of "fresh start" for me. PLUS, I'm hoping that Spring will be in swing when we come back. It's started, that's for sure. More melting/thawing and less snowing/freezing--always a good sign.

I still don't know what to do for Lent this year. Sigh. Hmmm. Maybe I'll have time to think on it this weekend. Oh! I got Madeline L'Engle's book A Wrinkle in Time on tape for our journey!! I read it when I was young, loved it, but haven't read it since. I'm super excited :) :)

I'm almost finished with East of Eden. I'll have thoughts to post once I'm all done (about 50 more pages). Man, this book is good. I've been glad to have a novel to work through.

In other news...

Melissa is taking me to see the Civil Wars in April. She won tickets. Woohoo. So exciting...

I've been really wanting to travel again. What's new, i know, but i mean really...like spend some time overseas somewhere involved in a project or working in a community. Such thoughts never truly leave me they just sort of "cycle through" as I consider all that I could do with and in life. There are many possibilities. This is a weird part of life still. I don't quite feel like I've "started" (but I have)...interesting. whatever. I'm going to go make breakfast burritos...

two pictures and some words

2011-02-27T15:01:00.001-08:00

First of all, I have one cute nephew. He caught his first fish. From what I understand, he was holding the pole but had some help reeling it in. Wish I could have witnessed it firsthand. Check out that face!

Second, from what I hear the Tucson mountains received a beautiful dusting of snow this morning. A wonderful site to behold. Hannah sent me this pic, which is now my desktop pic. Lovely in every possible way. It screams, "This place is beautiful! Look at the mountains! And look at our Southwest architecture!" I miss all of it.

Approaching Lent

2011-02-26T12:01:00.000-08:00

It's been a wonderful Saturday, "slow" but not unproductive. Have you ever realized how easy it is to feel lazy when the day is slower? Such a misnomer of our culture: that busy living equals productivity and purpose. There's such purpose in stillness and production in just being. Today I've cleaned and organized (a little), made a few phone calls, read (Anne Lamott, Plan B), made soup broth, sat on the couch and prayed (or tried to), journaled, caught up on emails...I'll still be going to work this evening. I rather enjoy the occasional Saturday evening with the kiddos :) But right now, before that, in the stillness of today while the snow (still) falls out my window, I'm thinking about Lent. I'm thinking about approaching the intentional time of God-reliance with new thoughts, needed questions, simple conversation.

God, I always need you. Many days it seems like I live to forget that I need you; instead trying to prove to myself or others that I'm strong enough to do it on my own. Soon there's a season to help us frame our need in the context of your story--help us locate ourselves, again, in your story...to find the freedom, peace, and rest that are there.

I came across this brief article today in Sojourners. While I'm not always a fan of the way they frame some of their stories, I appreciate this contribution by Walter Brueggemann on Lent:

"Lent is a time for “following.” The narrative about Jesus’ suffering and death provides a way in which we are able, in an act of disciplined imagination, to situate (or resituate) our lives in the story of Jesus. We become aware that the story of Jesus requires and permits a new version of our own story of life and faith.

Lent is a time for fresh decision-making about reliance upon the God of the gospel. Such decision-making in Lent is commonly called “repentance.” It’s a time to reflect on the way in which God gives new life that is welcome when we recognize how our old way of life mostly leaves us weary and unsatisfied.

Lent is a time to face the reality that there is no easy or “convenient” passage from our previous life to a new, joyous life in the gospel. The move is by the pattern and sequence of Jesus’ own life, an embrace of suffering that comes with obedience, a suffering which comes inevitably when our lives are at odds with dominant social values.

Lent is a time for life with God. While Jesus’ suffering and death are quite public events in the Roman Empire, his prayers—echoing the psalms—evidence that his primary focus was on life with God. In Lent we may draw away from public life enough to give energy to this defining relationship with the God who hears and answers, who summons, forgives, and saves."

Walter Brueggemann, a Sojourners contributing editor, is professor emeritus at Columbia Theological Seminary in Decatur, Georgia.

----

I'm still trying to determine what it is I will "give up" this year or how I will act out my dependence on the one whose sufficiency is my life. Last year I gave up worry (see here). Yes, it was a difficult time wrought with failure upon failure but it taught me a lot about what it means to live to be God's--to be kept, held, upheld, and known but the one who is shaping me.

----

"What is Better?
Isaiah 55:1-9; Psalm 63:1-8; 1 Corinthians 10:1-13; Luke 13:1-9

Lent is a time for making decisions about God’s good news and our life in the world. The decisions pose the question: “What is better?” In Psalm 63, we get an answer, “God’s steadfast love is better than life.” The psalm evokes a plethora of images: God’s fidelity is like water in a weary land; a feast of rich food; a shadow amid the hot sun; a strong hand that keeps one from falling. The psalm invites reflection on God’s reliability, for which there is no adequate substitute in our busy world of consumerism.

Corinthians is more concrete. Here the alternative is to “desire evil.” The phrase gives Paul a chance to review ancient history as an “example.” That memory includes the golden calf (Exodus 32; 1 Corinthians 10:7-8) and murmuring in the wilderness (Numbers 21:4-6; 1 Corinthians 10:9). The “desire of evil” is an alternative of self-sufficiency, of shaping our “gods” according to our convenience. To “desire evil” in our contemporary society is to imagine that with enough power, goods, and control one does not need the gift of fidelity.

Isaiah’s poem sets the choice that God’s people are always making—free water, milk, and bread, or the rat-race of self sufficiency. “Seek the Lord” is an invitation to abandon self-sufficiency for life in the gospel. Luke, with its two odd case studies, is preoccupied with “repentance” and the call to “bear fruit.” The hard part is choosing to live differently. That is always the important part, now as it was then. Life in the rat-race makes us “prey for jackals” (Psalm 63:10) without time to bless and thank God (Psalm 63:6)."
Lent is 'Come to Jesus' Time. by Walter Brueggemann. Sojourners Magazine, March 2010 (Vol. 39, No. 3, pp. 48). Living the Word.

getting ready

2011-02-23T07:31:00.000-08:00

Lent begins March 9. I'm now beginning to think how I am going to approach it this year...